The Beginning of Something Else

On June 1, 2007 I found out my husband and partner of almost two decades had been unfaithful to me since before our marriage, and had been having intercourse with prostitutes for 3 1/2 years. This is what happened next.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Not enough

For most of my life, like many people, I have felt in many ways not enough. I started reading fashion magazines when I was 11, so not pretty enough was a big one. Followed shortly by not thin enough. In 4th grade I was friends with two other girls. They were more mature, thinking about boys and knowing about puberty and telling dirty jokes. And they were best friends and I was the other friend. I felt I must be lacking something which kept me just outside the inner sanctum of their friendship. When I did get around to boys, I was always worried that I was going to fall short somehow and be discarded.

With Husband, after almost two decades of being together, I was comfortable in the knowledge that for him, I was enough. Pretty enough, thin enough, talented enough, smart enough, nice enough, funny enough. I was confident that we'd be together forever, and that no matter what hardships lay ahead for us, we'd get through them together.

When I found out about Husband's lies and all the infidelity, suddenly, once again, I began to be afraid I was not enough after all.

That's part of the hurt that still lingers. That's part of the fear that's hard to shake. Just maybe if I'd been more worthy, if he'd deemed my more valuable, when he weighed the options in his mind he would have chosen me. My intellectual mind knows the weakness of this thinking. But the part of me that looks to others for validation, the part that never learned how to bestow value upon myself, is afraid that after all these years it was right, and that somehow I'm not enough.

It's not rational, and on better days I can acknowledge my strengths and attributes. But the irrational part of me that is scared and hurt is there too, and suddenly has new evidence to reinforce her fears. Maybe the opportunity here is to help her grow up and join the woman I am now so she doesn't have to be afraid anymore.


Misery Marketing said...

I can relate here. My wife has done a pretty good job getting me to believe she is in love and attracted to me as much as ever. Unfortunately or not the best medicine for this has been females who have made it clear to me that I was good looking and they were very interested. I dont really know how to feel attractive without outside validation because I think the definition of attractive pretty much demands at least two people. Anyway Im satisfied that my wife wants me but I also know that if that goes to hell I will be ok in the dating department. In fact I get greener grass syndrome sometimes knowing this. I have this vision of single life as getting to do what I want when I want and having fun playing the dating game. Im such a sap though Id just end up falling for one of the dates too soon and end up tied to another neurotic chick with snakes in her head. So I might as well stick with the one I got. In fact I think Im going to blog today about whats great about my ball and chain.

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

Hugs to you, Woman A. I am finally catching up with you after the great laptop disaster of 2008. ;) It sounds like you've been having a rough time, and I'm thinking of you.

Catherine said...

Not enough is something I can also relate to - although my husband only betrayed his vows once - it was enough to cause longterm pain, that every now and again sneaks back up on me when I thought I was over it... I wish you the best and again, I love your writing. I look forward to visiting again! Cat