Tonight I realized that what is between me and Husband is that I don't trust the moment. Or that I'm afraid to trust the moment. I'm afraid to trust what I think is happening in the moment between Husband and me, because I trusted so completely before and he betrayed me for so long and about something so basic.
And the thing that concerns me is that I don't see how I can ever get that back. I want to trust him. I want more than anything to feel the connection I felt before. But I can't imagine it now.
So I will keep praying and meditating (and going to therapy and trying to connect with and express my feelings of anger) and see where that gets me.
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I can't ever trust what I think is happening in the moment anymore, but in my good moments, I can trust my general sense of the present and I can trust the future, which is good enough.
Here's one of the most important things I've learned thru this whole process. Trust has nothing to do with trusting "him." It has everything to do with trusting ME.
Once we can hear our voice clearly & truly listen to it, a new world opens up to us.
Kellee - That's where I'm having trouble...trusting myself. I thought I was deeply connected and intimate with Husband while he was lying to me and having sexual activity with other women for years. I thought I knew him as well as it's possible to know another human being. And yet he was lying to me about some very fundamental things and I didn't know it. So how do I ever know?
If the answer is that you can never know 100% about somebody else, I understand that. I don't have a problem with that.
But I'm afriad my own defenses won't alert me to these situations. They didn't with Husband. I didn't have any intuition, instinct or inkling - no cause to believe there was something of this magnitude taking place undetected in our life together.
So now when I look at him, it's difficult to feel the kind of deep connection I felt before because I don't believe I can trust any connection that I feel.
I'm having the same issue. Separating didn't solve that part--I still have to struggle with not knowing how much to trust my own instincts, my intuition that someone else is trustworthy. It's hard.
I have not had your experience but there was a betrayal in my marriage during a difficult time in my life about 1-1/2 years ago. I applaud your corageousness in blogging about this. I think you are very strong!
BTW, I would have probably gotten out of my car at the supermarket and taken that altercation to the next level. IMO you showed restraint.
The further & deeper you immerse yourself in recovery, it will come. Your inner voice will get louder & louder. Trust me! ;)
You already know you're not the same person anymore, right? You've already written about giving up your own addictions. And just like he was in denial during his addiction, you were right along with him.
An active addict can't see clearly on any issue. You've already taken out the "active" part for yourself, right? The rest will come...remember it's a process...a SLOW process.
For me, the turning point was working & sharing the Steps (most especially Step 4 in the Carnes book).
As far as feeling a connection to him again, I cannot address that because I never felt that again either. And you know how my story ended.
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