The Beginning of Something Else

On June 1, 2007 I found out my husband and partner of almost two decades had been unfaithful to me since before our marriage, and had been having intercourse with prostitutes for 3 1/2 years. This is what happened next.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Flashbacks and Silda Spitzer

The unfolding of the Spitzer family's crisis has definitely raised my level of anxiety. Watching Silda Spitzer standing there beside her husband took me back to those first days when I found out about Husband's sex addiction.

I've been feeling detatched again; picturing Husband touching those other women the way he is touching me when we are making love; doubting his word; wondering if he's really where he says he is. Nothing has changed. I have no new reasons to doubt him. I can tell these aren't "instincts" but just reactions to revisiting my past triggered by watching the Spitzer crisis play out. It is part of the process. I also look forward to feeling joy when Husband says "I love you" instead of feeling a combination of nothing and doubt as to what that means.

My mantra: Nothing is permanent and this, too, shall pass.

I'm surprised by all the analysis, judgement and criticism of Silda Spitzer, although I admit I may have been in the "outraged as a woman" camp myself. I've heard people say "I can't imagine standing by my husband in that situation." And my initial reaction is, "Of course you can't! You haven't been through it, so stop judging her!"

But I also understand that Spitzer's betrayal brings up all sorts of fears and defenses for people, and that just like them, I wouldn't have been able to imagine the complexity, shock and profound disorientation of it had I not experienced it myself.

I hope Hillary or someone who understands sex addiction has been able to reach out to her and offer help.

3 comments:

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

I remember I used to be so mad at Hillary Clinton for not leaving Bill -- I lost all respect for her, because I couldn't imagine why she wouldn't leave his sorry ass. Then it happened to me.

I feel so much for the Spitzer family. Watching their personal crisis play out -- and the media's simplistic, and at times ridiculous, coverage of it -- have really got me rolling in emotions and visiting my own past as well.

Hugs, WomanA. My thoughts are right with you -- and with Silda Spitzer.

Stefanie said...

I can't help but get pissed off when I think that if the roles were reversed on any of these people - Hillary, Silda, us - that the men would leave us in a heartbeat. Why do I think this? Is it because we are stronger, or because we are weaker that we stay? I struggle with this alot, and I don't know why it matters. Probably because my sense of self, security, pride, trust, etc. has been hugely wounded and possibly destroyed. Do you ever wonder this?

woman.anonymous7 said...

I don't know that Husband would have left me, but I do think women are stronger. It seems unfair, but like I've done with other things, I accept that this is my path.

If "reincarnation" or something similar is true, then maybe we women have graduated from being men in some other incarnation, and have been rewarded by being incarnated as women with all the strength, intuition and capacity to care for others that brings.

My experience (with Husband, my dad and others) suggests that women as a group are more highly evolved than men.

My experience also bears out that your sense of self can heal. I have been healing, and am in so many ways stronger and more grounded than before.

I also have some sadness and fear that wasn't there before, but I believe (because of the Buddhist teachings I've been reading) that learning to live with these things, rather than running from them or distracting myself from them, provides further opportunity for my spiritual growth. And I wouldn't be surprised if, one day, most of that sadness and fear is gone.

What would life be like if I was not afraid and wishing for something different? I think I may be able to glimpse that because of everything I'm facing now.