Flashbacks and Silda Spitzer

The unfolding of the Spitzer family's crisis has definitely raised my level of anxiety. Watching Silda Spitzer standing there beside her husband took me back to those first days when I found out about Husband's sex addiction.

I've been feeling detatched again; picturing Husband touching those other women the way he is touching me when we are making love; doubting his word; wondering if he's really where he says he is. Nothing has changed. I have no new reasons to doubt him. I can tell these aren't "instincts" but just reactions to revisiting my past triggered by watching the Spitzer crisis play out. It is part of the process. I also look forward to feeling joy when Husband says "I love you" instead of feeling a combination of nothing and doubt as to what that means.

My mantra: Nothing is permanent and this, too, shall pass.

I'm surprised by all the analysis, judgement and criticism of Silda Spitzer, although I admit I may have been in the "outraged as a woman" camp myself. I've heard people say "I can't imagine standing by my husband in that situation." And my initial reaction is, "Of course you can't! You haven't been through it, so stop judging her!"

But I also understand that Spitzer's betrayal brings up all sorts of fears and defenses for people, and that just like them, I wouldn't have been able to imagine the complexity, shock and profound disorientation of it had I not experienced it myself.

I hope Hillary or someone who understands sex addiction has been able to reach out to her and offer help.

Lingering effects of flashing back

Along with my determination to face what is there to be faced, I feel anxiety and agitation and a feeling of being overwhelmed.

I had a day in which I felt like I was slogging through quicksand at work - working hard and not getting much done. Unfortunate, since there is a lot to do.

And I have an underlying feeling of dread or anxiety mixed with a disconnectedness from things. The only thing I feel truly connected to in my immediate environment is my son. I feel that distance creeping in between me and Husband - like a veil that drops down when I feel threatened. I can see him through it, but I'm not fully present in the moment. I feel like an observer watching us in a movie.

I feel short tempered. I want a drink. I'm going to exercise. Hopefully that will get my chemicals back in balance. Whatever happened inside me yesterday, whatever chemicals my body released in reaction to seeing that hotel, I'm still feeling the effects tonight.