Went to couples therapy by myself today because our therapist wanted to me to do EMDR alone so I could be free from any conscious or unconscious concern for Husband's reaction to the session.
During the EMDR session she had me separate Husband into two parts: The aspect of him that is the addict, and the aspects of him that are not the addict. At first I separated the Addict from him, giving him the status of victim (this not responsible for his actions) and the Addict the status of stranger/intruder.
She instructed me not to separate him from the addict in that way, but to have both parts be him. The addict was him, and the part that was not the addict was him.
Doing it this way gave me access to two different things. I could more readily express more intense feelings of anger, rage, even hatred toward Husband The Addict, and keep him responsible for what he did. And I could be with Husband Not The Addict in a more trusting way. I was less afraid, I had compassion for his struggle with Husband The Addict, I could feel my love for him, I could see how powerless he felt against Husband The Addict (during the EMDR we were looking at a point at which Husband was still having sex with prostitutes.)
As a result of the perspective I was able to gain from that session I feel I can consciously work on building a relationship with Husband Not The Addict, because that's who he is now. Not that he's not an addict, but he's aware of both aspects, and he's choosing to pursue being Not The Addict with all his strength and will. He's actively in recovery, actively seeking support, and actively working to rebuild our relationship. The Addict isn't going anywhere, but right now Husband Not The Addict is the stronger aspect, and with the help of his community and his higher power, he's keeping Husband The Addict at bay one day at a time.
Whew - some clarity!
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This is an open journal of my experience coping with infidelity and sex addiction. Or...What To Expect When You Weren't Expecting.
Resources
- What is sex addiction?
- Dr. Patrick Carnes' Web Site
- Sex, Love and Addiction - Dr Rob Weiss Podcast
- Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction by Patrick Carnes, Ph.D.
- Don't Call It Love by Patrick Carnes, Ph.D.
- Seeking Integrity
- The Center for Healthy Sex
- S-Anon spouse/partner/family support group
- Co-SLAA spouse/partner/family support group
- CoSA spouse/partner/family support group
- When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron
- The Places That Scare You by Pema Chodron
- No Death, No Fear by Thich Nhat Hanh
- Writings of Anthony de Mello, SJ
- Not Always So: Practicing the True Spirit of Zen by Shunryu Suzuki
- Surviving Infidelity by Rona B. Subotnik
- After the Affair by Janis A. Spring
- The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner
About Me
- woman.anonymous7
- Woman. Late 50s. In a committed relationship with Husband for 34 years. Married in 1997. Husband started seeking out lap dances to orgasm around 1994/95, hand jobs and blow job from prostitutes around 2001 when I was pregnant. Intercourse with prostitutes began in 2003, and was discovered for the first time June 1, 2007.
The Point of Marriage
"The point of marriage is not to create a quick commonality by tearing down all boundaries; on the contrary, a good marriage is one in which each partner appoints the other to be the guardian of his solitude, and thus they show each other the greatest possible trust. A merging of two people is an impossibility, and where it seems to exist, it is a hemming-in, a mutual consent that robs one party or both parties of their fullest freedom and development. But once the realization is accepted that even between the closest people infinite distances exist, a marvelous living side-by-side can grow up for them, if they succeed in loving the expanse between them, which gives them the possibility of always seeing each other as a whole and before an immense sky." - Rainer Maria Rilke
Posts
3 comments:
You are so brave in your approach to your marriage, to his recovery, and to your recovery. At less than a year since Discovery, you have made more strides and shown more fortitude in caring for your relationship than many women do in a decade.
Learning to separate Husband the Addict from Husband Not the Addict is an impressive step for someone at your "stage". Truly impressive.
There is also a way to separate yourself when you are angry at the addiction. After my husband's last stumble I made it clear to him that Sophie the Best Friend was there to support him, but that Sophie the Wife was neither ready, nor willing to be involved with him in any way, shape, or form. It let me have the time to heal without abandoning him at a time of great need.
Again, I am proud of you for your steadfastness and your commitment to seek out such a plethora of therapeutic resources.
P.S. I loved the end of your last post. Maitri sounds wonderful for keeping cognitive distortions at bay. I need to look into that. Any suggestions on introductory reading materials?
One of the things that has been hard for me is to realize that there are things about Husband the Addict that I really like and have been attracted to -- the things that hurt me are contained in Husband the Addict, but also some of what I found charming.
Sophie - Pema Chodron's books are where I think I first read about the concept of maitri, and I highly recommend When Things Fall Apart and Places That Scare You.
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