The Beginning of Something Else

On June 1, 2007 I found out my husband and partner of almost two decades had been unfaithful to me since before our marriage, and had been having intercourse with prostitutes for 3 1/2 years. This is what happened next.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Circling back to things I haven't dealt with emotionally

I realized last night that I'm continuing to return to issues that I've understood in an intellectual sense, but have not dealt with emotionally.

I used to feel I had this special connection with Husband where I knew on a level beyond words what was true with him and between us. That connection, that confidence in knowing him and feeling safe in that knowing, was a large part of what distinguished our relationship from my relationships with others. Put in simpler terms, he's the guy I felt like I was in a fox hole with, facing what came along together, knowing we always had each others' backs. The part of me that was connected to him I didn't have to protect and I turned all my vulnerabilty to face him while protecting myself from most of the rest of the world.

Now I know that I couldn't tell that the connection I felt was based on false assumptions. I couldn't detect that Husband could act like he was being the partner I thought he was while lying to me about things that impact me on the deepest, most profound level possible. I know I can look someone in the eye, feel deeply connected and free to trust and, after years of shared experiences, words, deeds and other evidence that it's safe, be dead wrong.

I understand and believe that having this attachment to the past is what is keeping me from joy and relatedness in the present. And I understand that Husband could both lie to me and love me deeply at the same time. I accept non-duality. Intellectually, philosophically I see the path.

But I'm afraid, I'm angry and I don't think I've dealt with those feelings fully enough because no matter how much I know about taking the path that is in front of me and dealing with what is, rather than wanting what is not, the same fears and anger keep coming up again.

But I don't quite know how to directly confront and process the anger and fear. I've been learning not to run from it, but I don't know how to express it in a way that lets me move forward. More therapy? More S-Anon meetings? Working the twelve steps? Those are my best guesses.

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