Circling back to things I haven't dealt with emotionally

I realized last night that I'm continuing to return to issues that I've understood in an intellectual sense, but have not dealt with emotionally.

I used to feel I had this special connection with Husband where I knew on a level beyond words what was true with him and between us. That connection, that confidence in knowing him and feeling safe in that knowing, was a large part of what distinguished our relationship from my relationships with others. Put in simpler terms, he's the guy I felt like I was in a fox hole with, facing what came along together, knowing we always had each others' backs. The part of me that was connected to him I didn't have to protect and I turned all my vulnerabilty to face him while protecting myself from most of the rest of the world.

Now I know that I couldn't tell that the connection I felt was based on false assumptions. I couldn't detect that Husband could act like he was being the partner I thought he was while lying to me about things that impact me on the deepest, most profound level possible. I know I can look someone in the eye, feel deeply connected and free to trust and, after years of shared experiences, words, deeds and other evidence that it's safe, be dead wrong.

I understand and believe that having this attachment to the past is what is keeping me from joy and relatedness in the present. And I understand that Husband could both lie to me and love me deeply at the same time. I accept non-duality. Intellectually, philosophically I see the path.

But I'm afraid, I'm angry and I don't think I've dealt with those feelings fully enough because no matter how much I know about taking the path that is in front of me and dealing with what is, rather than wanting what is not, the same fears and anger keep coming up again.

But I don't quite know how to directly confront and process the anger and fear. I've been learning not to run from it, but I don't know how to express it in a way that lets me move forward. More therapy? More S-Anon meetings? Working the twelve steps? Those are my best guesses.

Feeling sad today, not sure why

I've been feeling sad today, and I'm not sure why. I think maybe it's because more and more each day I'm coming to terms with the fact that the only thing I have is the moment I'm in. Any expectation of the future based on this moment or on any past moment is nothing more than a hopeful delusion. If after 20 years with Husband I can't "know" that he would never lie, betray, have sexual activity outside our marriage...well, there's no more "knowing" for me ever again.

It's the extended play version of my existential crisis, and since it's the live version, and not a recording, it's difficult to say when this will end.

I'm learning to live with a lot of uncomfortable realities about the human condition, and sometimes that leaves me lonely and sad. Do I want to be deluded again? No. Do I want to be happy living with uncertainty, not knowing, not knowing another, practicing non-attachment, only being in this moment, without all those lovely things like hope, expectations, optimism, security. If I can. Do I wish I could have all those things without deluding myself to some extent? Oh yes.