Your needs? I don't really care

This morning I was feeling the way I've been feeling for a while. Out of sorts in a grumpy, distant way. I don't remember what we were talking about, but Husband said, "I love you." I replied that I need to hear that. "I need as much love and attention as I can get right now."

He thought about it for a moment, and then said, "I do too." I looked over at him, and he was sitting there looking kid of mad (my interpretation.) So I went over and gave him a kiss and a hug. He immediately brightened up. I don't know if he was brooding waiting for that response from me (unlikely, I think, given how he's been lately) or if he was just having some painful gas. Either way, after I applied the fix he responded with a happy smile and hugs.

As the morning progressed I was feeling more dissatisfied and distant. In the car on my way to work I realized why. When I told him what I needed, I didn't want to hear his needs in response. I wanted to hear him say, "I know that I'm the person who taught you that you can never again have the level of trust you had in me with anyone. I know I'm the one who had sex with prostitutes and lied to you about it for years. I know I'm the one who has given you every reason in the world to doubt me. And for the rest of my life, because of what I've done, I'm not just going to give you 100%. I'm going to give you 200%. Every day for the rest of my life my first thought upon waking is going to be "how can I make my wife feel safe, special and loved?" I will do everything in my power to make you feel extra loved and extra secure because I am the one who helped you realized how alone you truly are in this world, how you must, as an adult, be responsible for protecting yourself and never make the mistake of passing any part of that responsibility to anybody else. Those lessons are valuable, but I know that because they came from me, you will always have a kernel of fear. You will always be guarded with me in some small way, like one would be guarded with a beloved animal that bit her. You will know that with the love comes the potential for being bitten and that you can never again have the one without the other if you choose me. I know all of this, and because of this I'm committed to making you feel extra special and extra loved every day for the rest of my life."

That's what I wanted to hear.

I know there's freaky codependency mixed in there. But that's what I want. Because I got less than 100% of what I was promised and lead to believe I was getting for so many years, now I want more. More than 100%. That's how I feel right now.