The Beginning of Something Else

On June 1, 2007 I found out my husband and partner of almost two decades had been unfaithful to me since before our marriage, and had been having intercourse with prostitutes for 3 1/2 years. This is what happened next.

Monday, May 7, 2012

Flash of insight, as sometimes happens

It dawned on me that I've been putting off my 4th step for a long time because I've been worried about getting it right. I've been looking for the perfect format - a symptom of my perfectionism I thought. I asked Husband and Mom to go down a list of possible flaws and pick out the ones they felt characterized me, so that I could see where they overlap. Therein must lie the answer to what is wrong with me, I felt.

But I've realized that a large part of looking for the right format, and also for input, is that I've not trusted that I can do it accurately by myself. I'm worried about blind spots, about an inability to be honest with myself about my flaws, about missing something important. And this comes from my inclination not to trust myself when it comes to me. I've always looked to others to define me - to tell me how I'm doing in the world - and this is another manifestation of that.

And as I look at how others have defined me, I'm starting to see that sometimes what they think they see is just their own issues. I've done the same.

I've decided that I'm going to define what my flaws and strengths are. I may not get it 100% right, but I'm going to trust that my Higher Power will give me the clarity to see what I need to see right now. And that will be good enough.

4 comments:

Eat My Scabs said...

Step 4 is truly a transformative step, a literal metamorphosis. I just completely finished my step 4 and 5...it was terrifying and I had put it for so so long. Facing myself was scary.

Wishing you the best!

Lexie said...

there's nothing wrong with you honey. but I understand, I did this too... we think, we analyze, fret and worry and think of everything that can go wrong. its a trap and its the thing that keeps us stuck right where we are. It took me 56 years to fully get it.

I told this to my son-- today, who's graduating from college in 10 days.

Don't think, just do. Don't let the negative voices in your head take hold, the ones that worry, that you aren't good enough, or that you are liked or that you will succeed.

just figure out what it is that you want to do and go for it with both barrels loaded.

That's what I'm doing. not thinking. just doing. and honey, it feels good. its the one thing that's helped me more than anything else, unless its the wellbutrin! LOL

the trick is working through the fear... the worry, the doubt. I've found some other women who have these beautiful design blogs and little online shops and I figured if they could do it, so could I.

of course. and so can you. but try not to think about it. (too much)just go for it.

I wish someone had said that to me years ago. Actually, someone did, but it just took me a while to truly believe in it. xo ~ L

woman.anonymous7 said...

Scabs, Lexie - Thanks for your words of support.

Lexie - I agree, I always feel good when I'm in action. And I often feel tormented when I'm overthinking. And yet that's my inclination. So I'm always thankful to get that reminder.

BLAZER PROPHET said...

I may be off base, but stop trying to find perfection. It's one thing to improve upon obvious faults that need improving on, but aside from that you are who you are for the most part.

Live, love, laugh, take risks, make mistakes, fall, get up, fail again, fall, get up again, live, love... just remember to be true to yourself.