The Beginning of Something Else

On June 1, 2007 I found out my husband and partner of almost two decades had been unfaithful to me since before our marriage, and had been having intercourse with prostitutes for 3 1/2 years. This is what happened next.

Friday, May 11, 2012

What higher power means to me

I don't consider myself religious in any traditional sense of the word. In fact, prayer and the word God in my S-Anon 12-step book was an obstacle to me as I began to read recovery literature.

"I might not belong in a group of people who start every meeting with a prayer to God," I thought immediately.

But I stuck it out anyway, figuring that something was better than nothing in terms of dealing with Husband's sex addiction.

I'm glad I stayed. Today I do have a useful relationship with a Higher Power. I don't tie that Higher Power to any specific religion, although for the sake of simplicity I sometimes refer to that Higher Power as God. (For me there really is no one word that accurately describes what I understand Higher Power to be, and that's find for me.)

This post from a Jesuit priest really captures the kind of relationship I work on cultivating with Higher Power.

I'm reading Marianne Williamson's A Return to Love right now. She writes, "I had never realized that depending on God meant depending on love," and quotes A Course in Miracles, "God is the love within us."

Williamson also writes, "...a miracle is just a shift in perception."

So I take the perspective that when I read just the right post from a Jesuit priest at just the time I needed to hear it, that's my Higher Power providing what I need.

Does A Higher Power really exist?

I have no idea.

Do I believe in God?

I can't say.

But what I do know is that when I...

....take the perspective that I am not in control of everything (how people will feel, how they will respond, what they will or will not think, do, say...need I go on?)...

...and that I am connected to other human beings in the way a wave is connected to the ocean (a wave is distinct from ocean yet is never separate from ocean)...

...and at the same time do what I can do and turn the rest over to Higher Power (or whatever I need to call it to feel comfortable)...

...I am able to relax enough to find peace and feel good in my skin again. And that creates an openness that seems to allow what I need to come to me more readily. (I've also seen that what I think I want and what I need can look and/or be very different from each other.)

It's an on going process - a practice, not a destination - so, as with exercise, I have to do it again and again to get the desired result.

I don't know why I'm writing about this now.


Scott said...

And, it's not necessary to know all these things but to simply "be with" them.

Dr. Scott

Mark said...

Thanks for your blog, and for this post. I can relate to some of what you're saying here, and I will be reading the post from the Jesuit priest that you linked to in the article next. I am a pastor, and found that in my own experience of recovery that assumptions I had about God and faith needed to be examined. Now that I work with people in recovery, I'm struck by how many religious people out there are unwilling to do this, and how it messes up their recovery. Anyway, thanks for the post.