That's my assignment. To live my best life now, even in the midst of separation and betrayal. I'm going to use this period while the Addict is working on himself to build a rich, interesting, connected and satisfying life for myself. Here are the things I'm going to pursue:
In couples therapy, the Addict told me that the safest place for him to be in our marriage was low status. I was so shocked by this, because this is not what I ever wanted. I've always felt that he gave me too much power and that this was a big part of why we had trouble communicating.
I feel sad and scared and hopeless. Sad in my heart and eyes, scared in my chest, hopeless in my chest. I'm afraid that I'm so resented and so defined as so many awful things that I will never be seen as what I want to be - pure love and support. That's what I wish I could have been. I don't know what is wrong with me that I can't see. Am I just obliviously selfish and self-righteous? I don't know. I don't think so, but this is what I'm being told. And the resentment I feel coming toward me hurts and scares me. I'm afraid I'm not loved, or not loved completely, not loved in a way where I'll be safe.
Even though the Addict has betrayed me more deeply than anybody else in my life--twice--without his presence I feel like a plant that's not getting enough sun.
Even though I don't know how to decide if I can be in a relationship with someone who has lied so profoundly, for so many years about something so fundamental to our relationship, I miss him.
Life is so short. Am I wasting the limited number of days I have on this planet separating myself from someone I love who loves me?
Or am I an abused woman who can't see a way to leave her abuser?
I really don't know.
The Addict and I have continued with couples therapy, and I'm feeling more connected or less guarded. Not sure if that's a good thing, given that he's so early in recovery. But we do want to have some kind of relationship since we share a son.
I've been feeling more "normal" a lot of days. But a few nights ago I had too much to drink and called the Addict to share some of the work I'd been doing from a book called "Hold Me Tight." I ended up getting back to a place of feeling all the abandonment and disregard and lack of care, and weeping deeply as we talked. Those feelings are still there and sometimes drinking is a way to release them, I think. Not my recommended practice, but reminds me that even though I feel "normal" a lot of days, there is a lot to be dealt with still.
Woke up today feeling heavy and sad, which I haven't done for a couple weeks now. I don't know whether I'm sad because I miss him, or because I'm getting used to my life without him. I'm afraid to let go.
My friend shared this quote with me:
I don't know if this is the path I want to take, but it's better than all or nothing, which is where my cognitive distortions take me.
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