The ups and downs of limbo

The Addict and I have continued with couples therapy, and I'm feeling more connected or less guarded. Not sure if that's a good thing, given that he's so early in recovery. But we do want to have some kind of relationship since we share a son.

I've been feeling more "normal" a lot of days. But a few nights ago I had too much to drink and called the Addict to share some of the work I'd been doing from a book called "Hold Me Tight." I ended up getting back to a place of feeling all the abandonment and disregard and lack of care, and weeping deeply as we talked. Those feelings are still there and sometimes drinking is a way to release them, I think. Not my recommended practice, but reminds me that even though I feel "normal" a lot of days, there is a lot to be dealt with still.

Woke up today feeling heavy and sad, which I haven't done for a couple weeks now. I don't know whether I'm sad because I miss him, or because I'm getting used to my life without him. I'm afraid to let go.

My friend shared this quote with me:

I don't know if this is the path I want to take, but it's better than all or nothing, which is where my cognitive distortions take me.