"Oh come all ye faithful.."

A medium recently sang that Christmas carol to me when she was channeling my dead relatives. Only after the session was over did I catch the irony coming at me from the Other Side (or at the very least from her.)

It's ironic that out of my husband being "unfaithful," I have launched myself into a deep exploration of faith.

"Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step." - Martin Luther King, Jr.

My exploration of faith and spirituality is leading me to exciting and challenging places.

Today in church we talked about looking to our higher power / higher self / universal love intelligence (again, take your pick - name is not important) for what we need, and not being distracted by thinking that satisfaction will come through other people or material things.

It made me think of this passage I found on Friday from the book Communion with God (which I have not read) by Neal Donald Walsch (an author I am not familiar with beyond this passage):

“When you allow yourself to experience that there is enough of what you once thought there was not enough of, extraordinary changes occur in the way you live your life.

“When you know that there is enough, you stop competing with others. You stop competing for love, or money, or sex, or power, or whatever it is you felt there was not enough of.

“The competition is over.

“This alters everything. Now, instead of competing with others to get what you want, you begin to give what you want away. Instead of fighting for more love, you begin giving more love away. Instead of struggling for success, you begin making sure that everyone else is successful. Instead of grasping for power, you begin empowering others.

“Instead of seeking affection, attention, sexual satisfaction, and emotional security, you find yourself being the source of it. Indeed, everything that you have ever wanted, you are now supplying to others. And the wonder of it all is that, as you give, so you receive. You suddenly become MORE of whatever you are giving away.

“The reason for this is clear. It has nothing to do with the fact that what you have done is “morally right”, or “spiritually enlightened”, or “the will of God”. It has to do with the simple truth: There is no one else in the room.

“There is only one of us.”

(From page 75 of “Communion with God”, by Neale Donald Walsch.)

This non-duality, letting God be God in me (paraphrasing Eckhart), creates a context in which I am free from the urgency of needing something else or someone else and gives me the ability to live life in a much more empowered way.

To live from the context of non-duality, of having and being enough because in fact I have and am All, leaves me able to choose freely in my life, unconstrained by the distraction of wanting or needing things or people in order to be satisfied, complete, whole or worthy.

I've been pondering this idea for a month now, and continue to get more and more peace and freedom from giving myself this context from which to experience life.

Wrestling with my Self

Went to church this morning, and what I got from it is that because I am an expression of the divine (Meister Eckhart - "Let God be God in you."), all my needs are already met and that when I'm unsure about that, I can lean toward and call on my higher power for support.

I can't say with any certainty that any of this is true, but it gives me a more empowered place from which to live, so for now I say yes to it. It doesn't need to be true to have a positive impact in my life.

Removing Need from my relationship leaves me free to love Husband without trying to get from him what I (with support from my higher self / higher power) should be providing for myself: validation, acceptance, security, guidance. I don't even Need love from Husband. I go to church and I see hundreds of people who are opening their hearts to me.

Love is available.

Love does not come only from a single source (except perhaps in the sense of a Source that is divine universal love-intelligence, of which I believe we are all a part.)

Love may not come from where I want it, or from where I think it will come; and love may come from the most unexpected places.

So I am free to love Husband without Needing him to provide that which I already have (the challenge here is allowing myself to see that I already have it) and that which I can provide for myself as an adult woman.

This is NOT to say that I am willing to be in relationship without expectations.

Expectations can be worked out and expressed between us. And if what I expect out of a relationship can't be met, if what we are able to work out leaves me feeling compromised, that's my indication that it's not the right relationship for me.

Fortunately at this moment in time I have every indication that we can work out a set of mutual expectations that leave us both satisfied, peaceful and uncompromised. Especially with the new tools we've gained from recovery work and therapy.

So I came home from church feeling open, empowered, peaceful and free to love.

Then I opened the letter from the IRS. During the period when his addiction really began escalating Husband neglected to take care of doing our taxes as he said he would. So we have back taxes and penalties that have been growing for several years now.

I have a lot of anger about these things because in my mind they're closely tied to that period of lies, distractions and thousands of dollars secretly spent on prostitutes, for which I'm realizing I still have a lot to work through to get to a place of authentic forgiveness.

So today is a day when I wrestle with what I understand is possible on the one hand, and the pull of my ego / identity on the other.

I think for me the way through this is prayer, meditation, exercise (where I release a lot of stress), and couples therapy (where I feel safe to fully express myself to Husband.)

Something else I've come to today: For me, clarity is an impermanent state, just like anything else; and peace is an ongoing journey.