Sad for the days

Chocolate vodka has gotten me to a place where I see that I am sad for the days when I thought I knew what it meant when Husband said "I love you."

Sad for the days when I thought I understood the world.

But I'm also happy for the new understanding I have.

I am responsible for myself. I can face the things that scare me and live.

I can be okay no matter what.

But I am still sad for those days. Those simple days when I felt so absolutely loved and cared for and profoundly connected with another human being.

I am sad for the part of me that no longer believes I can be that free again. I am sad for the wall that will never be down completely without conscious choice.

I am sad for the loss of the part of me that was able to trust like a child.

Perhaps it's inevitable. Perhaps it's coming way too late for the adult I should be. I don't care. I miss that part of myself. And I miss that feeling.