Chocolate vodka has gotten me to a place where I see that I am sad for the days when I thought I knew what it meant when Husband said "I love you."
Sad for the days when I thought I understood the world.
But I'm also happy for the new understanding I have.
I am responsible for myself. I can face the things that scare me and live.
I can be okay no matter what.
But I am still sad for those days. Those simple days when I felt so absolutely loved and cared for and profoundly connected with another human being.
I am sad for the part of me that no longer believes I can be that free again. I am sad for the wall that will never be down completely without conscious choice.
I am sad for the loss of the part of me that was able to trust like a child.
Perhaps it's inevitable. Perhaps it's coming way too late for the adult I should be. I don't care. I miss that part of myself. And I miss that feeling.
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2 comments:
I'm grateful for what I have now, but I still sometimes find myself missing what I thought I had...
I always think of that scene in The Matrix where Cypher says, "I know this steak doesn't exist. I know that when I put it in my mouth, the Matrix is telling my brain that it is juicy and delicious. After nine years, you know what I realize? Ignorance is bliss."
I am also sad that I'll never have that again...not in this relationship, but also not in any other if we don't end up staying together. There won't be any more blind trust or faith in what it means to be loved. It's a curse and a gift, though.
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