Practiced checking my thinking today. One friend questioned my reaction to Husband quitting his job. I began to worry that I was being too nice about it when I should be angry instead. But I really didn't think I felt angry. I didn't want Husband to suffer just because I had suffered.
So I called another friend to get her input. She said she didn't think I was making myself a door mat - that I wasn't sacrificing my own happiness for Husband's. She saw us as two people trying to make our lives together better. That's how it felt to me, and it was good to find out that at least one person I trust didn't think I was out of my mind. (I trust my other friend, too, which is why I began to worry so much.)
It's not a clear and easy path, especially when I now have reason to question what I think I know after living ignorantly inside lies for several years.
Just as I have to learn to trust Husband again, I need to learn to trust myself. I think that will come out of support from my community of friends and support groups and therapists. I guess it also takes a village to help life make sense sometimes.
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I generally have to consult with a team of Cuntfaces and Nar-Anon members and other assorted girlfriends to see if I'm insane or not, too. It's like I take votes to see what I should do/think/feel.
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