Today we took a trip to Legoland with Son and his best friend and his friend's parents. It was a fun day, and I was feeling generally good. But tonight in the shower I found myself wondering how I can know what it is to be loved when the person who says they love you hurts you so much.
Usually when you're hurt this badly by your partner, the ultimate message is something along the lines of "I don't feel the same way about you I used to." That is clearer to me. But Husband has caused this pain, and yet is telling me that he still loves me as much, and is more present to it than before even. So is this intense pain part of what love is? I'm confused. How does he really feel about me? How do I feel about him? How do I feel about myself? I'm still afraid that someday he won't want me anymore. That sounds so horribly pathetic. But what I mean is that I'm scared that I'll let myself feel something for him again only to be hurt like this again. I'm also afraid that love really is there and I won't be able to get past our past and I'll miss out on the chance to have that relationship because I'm so fucked up by the confusion of it all.
I think the answer lies in meditation, more reading, talking...maybe prayer if I can figure out how to do that.
Some moments I feel so sane and clear, and others I feel so crazy and confused.
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2 comments:
The most important thing I have to remember when I get in one of those absolutely confused states is ... today doesn't last forever. Things become clearer or more confused, but nothing lasts forever. Sometimes I just have to wait it out.
As I read your previous entry, I find a lot of the answers to your present fears.
My stepfather told me every single day that he loved me ... it's what we did in our house. Then he emotionally, physically and sexually abused me every chance he got. It sent out a lot of confusing messages about what love is and I have questioned many times if I even have a clue. That strikes fear in me about my husband ... do I really love him? How could I defy our marriage and disrespect him by living in my sexual addiction? The truth is ... I do love him, and my addiction has nothing to do with that. It has to do with an inability to love myself.
My prayers are with you ... as I know what confusion is and how it can make us feel crazy. We can make it through just today.
I'm so sorry. I know what that is like, to just continue to be plagued with questions, to want that other person to MAKE IT RIGHT. Unfortunately, once exposed to the addict's disease, there is no other way but through recovery, whatever that looks like for you. You have to get strong, take care of yourself, determine what you really want and what you can and can't handle.
Take care of yourself today, tomorrow, and every day thereafter. Hubby isn't going to make it better. He can't now anyway.
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