The Beginning of Something Else

On June 1, 2007 I found out my husband and partner of almost two decades had been unfaithful to me since before our marriage, and had been having intercourse with prostitutes for 3 1/2 years. This is what happened next.

Friday, December 28, 2007

Reading about fear has helped

After a lot of anguish last night, I woke this morning feeling better. I'd started reading and article in the Shambala Sun called Fear and Fearlessness: What the Buddhists Teach.

The whole article gives me a lot to think about, but one passage in particular stood out for me last night:

"Fear arises in the moment you ask yourself, what is this all about? Inevitably, it has nothing to do with right now. It has to do with the future, but the future doesn't exist. It hasn't happened yet. The past doesn't exist. It has already happened. The only thing you've got is what's right here, right now. And coming home to the moment makes all the difference in the world in how you deal with fear." - John Daido Loori, Roshi

The author goes on to say, "You can't develop fearlessness - really, compassionate, generous fearlessness - without fear. Fearlessness is born of fear."

I'm more convinced than ever that I've unwittingly set off on a spiritual journey, and that Husband is a teacher for me. Not that he's talking and I'm listening; but he's being and that is providing an opportunity for an awakening for me. I am co-existing with fear and pain beyond anything I've experienced before, and it's taking me to places I've never been. If I find peace and serenity as I face this rather than turn away, that will be a strength I never knew I was missing, nor imagined I'd possess. I think I'm beginning to have a relationship with myself, or maybe, more accurately, with everything, that I never knew was possible.

2 comments:

Me Too said...

I found Buddhism many years ago, and it has helped me get through a lot of things with my sanity still intact.

This, my friend, is how we grow wise. Be thankful for that at least.

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

Oh, darn it! I thought I was the one who came up with those brilliant thoughts on fear living in the future -- Shambala Sun stole my idea. ;)

I'm with you -- this is a spiritual journey -- and that my husband is providing the opportunity for awakening.