Last night I was wondering how Husband can live with himself. If I'd done what he's done I don't think I could ever forgive myself, or believe I'd been forgiven.
So in that way, I guess I'm more screwed up than he is.
I also understand that he has to believe. In order to move beyond all of this to something better, to grow and learn from the experience of being human, he has to forgive himself and believe he's been forgiven.
I have to apply this kind of thinking to myself, for example, at work. When I make a mistake (like secretly fucking prostitutes for 3 1/2 years and lying about it, although I don't do that at work)I have to believe others have the capacitiy to forgive me and move on the way I'm working on doing. But when I do something "bad" I feel completely unredeemable. Even if "bad" is just delivering the wrong version of a document.
It's kind of weird that there is so much for me to learn from this experience Husband and I are having. I go back and forth between opening myself to what I'm being offered the chance to learn, and being frightened, sad and angry about having to learn some of this stuff.
And it's not surprising that Husband is turning out to be one of my greatest teachers in his own way. He's a gift in so many other ways. I guess if I had to go through a difficult lesson, and this has been the most difficult lesson of my life, he would be one of the few people I'd pick to be with me on that journey.
In this moment I'm feeling grateful for the gifts in my life, and that feels good.
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1 comment:
I've learned so much from my husband too. I had a nightmare once a few years ago about having sex with someone I did not want to. I woke up feeling so ashamed of the nightmare.
Then I thought about what it would be like to know that I had really done something like that, because I know recovery has been a bit like waking up from a nightmare for my husband. I have great respect for him and his ability to work on overcome that shame and regret.
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