The Beginning of Something Else

On June 1, 2007 I found out my husband and partner of almost two decades had been unfaithful to me since before our marriage, and had been having intercourse with prostitutes for 3 1/2 years. This is what happened next.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

The addict among us

Just sat down to do some Christmas shopping on the computer when I looked up at the toolbar to see the name Ashley somebody in the search field.

My heart stops for a moment. I know I'm not searching for the Ashleys of the world. I click the search button to see where Google will take me. For those of you who don't know, Ashley is a porn star.

So I ask Husband about this immediately, but I already know. We've had a visit from his addict. He says he didn't actually look at anything. (Sounds familiar to my ear now.) Says he didn't go near any inner circle behaviors. Etc... Fine. Good. No fucking other women, no rubbing up against strippers or getting those blow job "massages." Just looking at porn on the internet like any other normal American male.

But I don't know what's normal any more. I don't know what I should accept. I accepted too much for too long. I know I can't control him, and I don't want to. But I don't want to go down that slippery slope back to those things I definitely know are not normal.

I'm scared and angry right now.



I just wanted to thank you for sharing your pain from this unfortunate journey you have been taken hostage in.

Your anger, pain, jealousy, love and mistrust are just so honest and raw.

I was in your situation, kind of. I found out about his addiction before I married him. So for the days when you are wondering if your crazy for staying with him, just remember that there is a woman out there that was crazier for not running when she had the chance....long before children were brought into it.

I have a feeling that you will not only survive this plight, but will come out on top. A little less trusting, but very aware that all is not as though it seems. Even if "it" is sleeping right next to you every night.


Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

Hugs, hugs, hugs! I hate, hate, hate the crazy-making behavior and the rationalizations. I don't know what normal is either -- I kind of suspect there is no normal. But I am learning what is right for me. And I'm learning to accept and express the hurt and confusion I feel in those situations. (But I still wish I could wave a magic wand and make him not do those things sometimes!) ;)

Crystal said...

Don't they tell him at SA meetings that even looking at porn is not ok?

thejunkyswife said...

Yeah, fuck Mr. Hyde. I hate it when that guy shows up. I'm sorry he's visiting your house.

Me Too said...

Hi Woman, I've been following your blog for a few days now. I'm here because, of course, I'm in a relationship with a sex addict. This shit scares me. All of it. What I'm going through, what you're going through. I hate feeling relaxed and accidentally "finding" something that gets my adrenaline flowing and makes me feel awful! I don't know if I will have the strength that you and MPJ have to stay. It seems like there are a lot more slips in sex addiction recovery than in other types. Mine has been in recovery for 5 years, and is STILL lying.

Anyway, I'm here too. Thinking about starting my own blog on this process. I will let you know if I do. I blog elsewhere already, but not on this topic so I don't want to post that here.

woman.anonymous7 said...

Me Too, I hope you do start blogging about your experience. I think the more information out there the better. It's such a complex and confusing situation; the more we share the better.

Kellee said...

First of all, what the hell is normal anyway? It's so funny you write about this because I was just thinking in the shower this a.m., "What happens in my next relationship if the person I'm with looks at pornography and that's it. Is that what 'normal' men do?" I don't have an's a question for my therapist and something to worry about if & when it ever comes up again. Not now when I'm not even dating anyone.

I personally don't think it's about what he could/should/would do. In my opinion it's now about what YOU can accept. Not saying to force an ultimatum or anything like that. Just talking about setting firm boundaries that work for YOU. Now...what the hell are boudaries, right? These are the times where good, qualified therapists are a must as are trusted program buddies/sponsors. You can't do this alone. Better than that though, you're not alone.

Hugs & love to you for I've been down your road many, many, many more times than I care to remember. I'm with you in solidarity!


CV said...

I know this blog isn't about the morality of porn or strip clubs...but why is it that we can't see this as a human rights issue? The women in the sex business have usually suffered some sexual trauma. None of them has a happy ending life story. Porn/stripping/prostitution demeans and ruins women. It demeans and ruins men. It obviously demeans and ruins relationships and families. I don't care what "society" wants to tell me is legal- I think it's wrong and do not want a husband that fuels such abuses against women.

woman.anonymous7 said...

My views on the sex industry changed after this experience. I used to think it was fine for consenting adults to make whatever choices they felt were right for themselves.

However, while I still don't support prohibition, I now doubt that any healthy adult engages in prostitution, either as a provider or recipient.

I don't believe my husband consciously participated in abusing women. I believe he compartmentalized and justified so much that he allowed himself to truly believed he wasn't doing anything wrong.

So I don't see myself as having to decide whether or not to choose someone who fuels abuse. The question for me is do I want to choose someone who can compartmentalize and justifiy the way he did.

And actually the real question I'm beginning to realize is not "do I want to" but "can I?"