The Beginning of Something Else

On June 1, 2007 I found out my husband and partner of almost two decades had been unfaithful to me since before our marriage, and had been having intercourse with prostitutes for 3 1/2 years. This is what happened next.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Surge

So I took the test and I'm having my surge. I should ovulate within the next 24 to 48 hours if my 43 year old body will cooperate.

I took it today when I got home from work. I texted Husband: "I'm ovulating!" Went out back to hit the treadmill. Read Eat, Pray, Love. I'm getting close to the end. A little disappointed to see that it's come back to men.

Get off the treadmill and go inside to say goodnight to Son. Husband is reading to him. Son is on the brink of sleep. I lay down beside him. He opens his eyes and grabs my head. Husband reads some more. A Scooby Doo book. Son begins to snore lightly.

It's Friday night. I ask what Husband wants to do. I know part of the answer will be making love because we've been trying for another baby for...a year or two now? I can't remember. Anyway...he suggests that we go downstairs, have some wine, watch Project Runway and go to bed. But I don't want television. And I don't want wine. That's fine, he says. But I want something. I want something that will distract me from the thoughts I have when we make love. So I can make love with abandon, and hopefully make this baby we both want so much. Make love and be present instead of bing distracted by thoughts of him with other women. And I realize that I feel like I need a scotch or a chocolate vodka to distract me from those thoughts I usually have when we make love. Those other women, what they might have done, him kissing them, having sex with them, how did he touch them, what did he think while he was going down on them, were they beautiful, flat stomachs and full breasts, what did he think about when he was fucking them, where was I.

After a trip to two stores I have that chocolate vodka. And I'm enjoying the distraction from the feelings I don't want to have. I'm ready to have fun without the pain. Pathetic. Dangerous. But I'm a mother. I will be responsible. I won't let my son down. And eventually I'll have the serenity, the peace that will get me through these moments better than chocolate vodka. But for now, it's the easy way out. And yet I think to myself, what am I doing? Tomorrow is a new day.

7 comments:

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

So much complicated stuff going on. Big hugs.

I also was terribly disappointed at the end of Eat Pray Love when it all came back to men. I wanted to yell, "No! You're not fixed! You can't trust anyone! Why does this have to end on men to be complete?!" Not that it's about me or anything... ;)

Rae said...

I hope today is a less painful day.

I am reading Eat Pray and Love too. I'm not to the end ... but I suppose I'll be disappointed as well.

I read your post first this morning ... and felt your pain deeply ... but I'm not sure I know what to say. I guess only that I can't imagine that a woman wouldn't feel the way you feel.

Anonymous said...

I wish I were brave enough right now to show my identity, but I'm not brave. I've just found your blog through a search. I'm sure you can guess the reason.

I've just discovered more than I ever wanted to know, and I'm so...let down. And left wondering why I should put myself through the brutal pain for so long that I see you go through here. When you were talking about having to distract yourself from the images you get while having sex with him, I thought, "that's me" and how long do I want that to be me? Is it right? Is it really about my recovery? Or is it that it's just not fecking right?

Thank you so much for sharing all of this. It's so important. To me, to you, to who knows how many others.

Crystal said...

I was very surprised to read this post. I have read and been told by many sources that it is best not to make any major life decisions for at least a year after a crisis such as infidelity.

I hope you don't mind me voicing concern. Does it seem wise to continue trying for another child before all these issues have settled down?

I myself would wait for a while longer, unless of course I planned and wanted to have another child whether or not I stayed with my husband. Have you considered what position you will be in if (and I hope this never happens) he relapses significantly?

Crystal said...

I have read and been told by many sources that it is wise to not make any major life decisions for at least a year after a crisis, such as infidelity.

I was surprised to read this post. I think I would wait at least a few more months to see how the issues were working themselves out before trying for another child. Unless you want another child whether or not you and your husband stay together.

I hope you don't mind me voicing my concern. Have you considered what position you will be in if (and I hope this never happens) he relapses significantly?

thejunkyswife said...

You spouses of sex addicts have a lot of stuff to process, huh. I'm usually all caught up in the ways that we're similar and our experiences overlap...but that stuff that makes you reflect back on yourself, your body, your womanhood...that's hard, hard, hard. It's hard enough just being a woman, feeling insecure, facing all the CRAP we have to face just living in the world...it sounds like you're working through all of it, though, and I'm happy for you. Your husband is a lucky man.

Anonymous said...

We are trying to get pregnant too, and I know where your coming from with the visualisation problem. I read if you find yourself thinking about your partners infidelity, you should turn the visualisations into a bad porn movie- good luck with that.
One of my husbands F**k buddies turned up as my student this year. That was a tough call.