Surge

So I took the test and I'm having my surge. I should ovulate within the next 24 to 48 hours if my 43 year old body will cooperate.

I took it today when I got home from work. I texted Husband: "I'm ovulating!" Went out back to hit the treadmill. Read Eat, Pray, Love. I'm getting close to the end. A little disappointed to see that it's come back to men.

Get off the treadmill and go inside to say goodnight to Son. Husband is reading to him. Son is on the brink of sleep. I lay down beside him. He opens his eyes and grabs my head. Husband reads some more. A Scooby Doo book. Son begins to snore lightly.

It's Friday night. I ask what Husband wants to do. I know part of the answer will be making love because we've been trying for another baby for...a year or two now? I can't remember. Anyway...he suggests that we go downstairs, have some wine, watch Project Runway and go to bed. But I don't want television. And I don't want wine. That's fine, he says. But I want something. I want something that will distract me from the thoughts I have when we make love. So I can make love with abandon, and hopefully make this baby we both want so much. Make love and be present instead of bing distracted by thoughts of him with other women. And I realize that I feel like I need a scotch or a chocolate vodka to distract me from those thoughts I usually have when we make love. Those other women, what they might have done, him kissing them, having sex with them, how did he touch them, what did he think while he was going down on them, were they beautiful, flat stomachs and full breasts, what did he think about when he was fucking them, where was I.

After a trip to two stores I have that chocolate vodka. And I'm enjoying the distraction from the feelings I don't want to have. I'm ready to have fun without the pain. Pathetic. Dangerous. But I'm a mother. I will be responsible. I won't let my son down. And eventually I'll have the serenity, the peace that will get me through these moments better than chocolate vodka. But for now, it's the easy way out. And yet I think to myself, what am I doing? Tomorrow is a new day.

Sad for the days

Chocolate vodka has gotten me to a place where I see that I am sad for the days when I thought I knew what it meant when Husband said "I love you."

Sad for the days when I thought I understood the world.

But I'm also happy for the new understanding I have.

I am responsible for myself. I can face the things that scare me and live.

I can be okay no matter what.

But I am still sad for those days. Those simple days when I felt so absolutely loved and cared for and profoundly connected with another human being.

I am sad for the part of me that no longer believes I can be that free again. I am sad for the wall that will never be down completely without conscious choice.

I am sad for the loss of the part of me that was able to trust like a child.

Perhaps it's inevitable. Perhaps it's coming way too late for the adult I should be. I don't care. I miss that part of myself. And I miss that feeling.