The Beginning of Something Else

On June 1, 2007 I found out my husband and partner of almost two decades had been unfaithful to me since before our marriage, and had been having intercourse with prostitutes for 3 1/2 years. This is what happened next.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Sometimes I can't feel my feelings

Sometimes I can't feel my feelings for Husband and it scares me. The Junky's Wife captured my fear when she said she's "afraid of finding that switch, finding that it's turned to "OFF." This man has meant the world to me, and the idea that I could stop loving, stop caring, stop being invested in participating in a future with him is terrifying."

I realized today that some of the intense waves of sadness I've been feeling over the past two days have a lot to do with that fear. Not finding out something about how Husband feels about me, but finding out something about how I feel about him.

I think I still love him. Sometimes I feel it...at least I think I have. But right now I can't feel the kind of love I used to feel. I'm sort of numb with regard to Husband, and it makes me deeply sad. And it's not that he's not trying. But there is no undoing what has been done. The only way through is through. I am so tired of feeling like my life is so messed up.

The only path I see that offers anything I want is the spiritual path. More meditating, yoga, reading, prayer (still wondering if I can do that,) breathing. Not running away. Not drinking. Not too much sugar. Feeling whatever there is to feel.

The only thing I'm going to allow myself when the feelings are too overwhelming is exercise. I haven't been exercising for the past week and I really feel it.

That's what I'm going to do right now.

6 comments:

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

My feelings in the years prior to discovering my husband's addiction were always flat out love and adoration. In the years since, I sometimes feel I hate him, sometimes feel I love him, sometimes feel indifferent towards him. But somehow I think the love is always there -- the hate and indifference are my way of dealing with fear and trying to protect myself from hurt. At least, I hope so.

thejunkyswife said...

Me, too. I'm going to exercise. I think I'm going to spend the whole year exercising. At the end of the year, I'll be very fit and sane, and then, I'll think about what to do with my husband.

Hah.

SuboxoneMom said...

One thing I have noticed when surfing all the ladies blogs. When your in pain, you exercise? What is this thing you call exercise? Hmmmmm, perhaps it would also help the likes of me?

WomanAnonymous: I learned a long time ago that all of my negative feelings are based from one true feeling....fear.

Your obvious confusion about loving your husband is at least now based on the "true" him, not who you thought he was......

Godspeed.....

J

Kellee said...

"This man has meant the world to me, and the idea that I could stop loving, stop caring, stop being invested in participating in a future with him is terrifying."

Wow. Sobering when I read it in black & white. I too have been afraid of this very thing but way too scared to talk about it (thanks for fodder for future therapy sessions!).

For me it all goes back to limits. We all have them. I met my limit when my ex continued to destroy our family with his acting out beinhaviors. That's when I couldn't get to the off switch quick enough. It's been necessary for my survival these past 8 or so months. I really think it's my body's way of protecting myself...of "dealing with my fear" as MPJ put it. I also like to think of it as being an imperfect (yet well-rounded) human being...something I'm working on celebrating daily.

Not sure if any of this made sense or not...hope so.

FI0NA said...

I think it is a form of self protection (the flip side of fear) sometimes I catch myself worrying what my partner is up to when he is apart from me, and the only way I can deal with it, to stop it totally messing with my head is to say "I don't care, that's his business if he wants to screw up" and through thinking that, of course I love him less.

April Day said...

this is where i am. how can you love someone you have no respect for. It's lost and i don't feel love or even mild caring for him. can we find it again?