The Beginning of Something Else

On June 1, 2007 I found out my husband and partner of almost two decades had been unfaithful to me since before our marriage, and had been having intercourse with prostitutes for 3 1/2 years. This is what happened next.

Friday, November 30, 2007

Funk persists

I'm sitting at LAX waiting for my flight to Oakland. More business travel.

This low that's been lingering since before Thanksgiving persists, and this morning I'm particularly sad. I don't know why.

Sometimes when I'm at the airport I think that if it weren't for my son I'd just take off. Hop on a plane and...I don't know what. Escape? Not really possible, since I believe I'll have to learn whatever lesson I'm learning, whether it's now or later. And in the meantime suffer the result of my ignorance. But it would feel good to leave everything behind for a while. Not forever. I'd just like some time to be alone with my thoughts and feelings; some solitude in which to listen for myself.

Last night as I lay beside Husband I wondered about the nights before when we lay spooned together, skin against skin, after he'd fucked some other woman that day. I try not to dwell on such things, but it creeps up on me sometimes.

I know he's sick, that he deluded himself into thinking he wasn't doing anything wrong, wasn't hurting me, and that he never loved me any less when he was doing those things. But it still leaves me feeling so lonely sometimes.

I don't feel connected to him the way I used to. I know it's a trust issue and I'm optimistic that it will get worked out over time. But there is a barrier between us now. Sometimes it's just whisper thin. Sometimes it feels like maybe it's gone. But sometimes it expands and I feel a distance I just can't bridge. It's like I'm no longer standing body to body with him looking out at the world. Instead I'm standing alone, maybe holding his hand, but looking at him, guarding myself. That's what makes me sad. That feeling of being so alone when I used to feel so very deeply close to him. But I think that's the truth of the world. We come in alone, we leave alone, and we are really alone the whole time in between, except we allow ourselves to feel connected. But really, deep down we are our own last defense, which keeps us separate or gets us hurt or worse if we can't or won't accept that responsibility.

Of course what is popping up in my head is the concept of non-duality. No me, no him; all one. Ultimately I think my way through this is a spiritual path. That's a challenge for me, given my bad experiences with organized Christian religion. But through reading and my twelve step program I'm realizing the importance of spirituality. And I'm growing to accept that the God of our choosing can be found in many places, especially when I quiet my loud thoughts and listen.


Rae said...

I'm sorry to read that you are feeling down. I've been going through some tough times too and I hope we both feel better soon.

I'm sorry for the pain and distance that you feel with your husband. I know it must seem incredulous to hear this from a female sex addict who has spent afternoons with countless women's husbands ... but I can't imagine how horrific your pain must be.

Your husband is truthful when he told you that he never thought he was hurting you. I never thought I was hurting women like you either. I was so wrong and I gain so much strength from hearing your stories. Thank you for sharing.

I am truly sorry for your pain.

thejunkyswife said...

Yes. Me too. All of the above and all that.

You can come here.

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

Running away is my first thought when I am at my lowest too. When my husband relapsed recently and I spent the day in bed crying, all I could think of was moving to a cabin in Montana or shaving my head and joining a Buddhist monastery. But I knew I couldn't leave the kids. I wish at those times that I weren't the responsible one, that I had a drug, an escape from the pain. But the only way out is through it, right?

Recovery Discovery said...

"I know it's a trust issue and I'm optimistic that it will get worked out over time." It's impressive to me that you can see the process even when you're in the middle of it. That's hard for me to do. It gives me hope. Thanks for sharing.

Anonymous said...

Funny how people come along, in any form, including digital, when you need them. I found your blog right after I found out my husband, addicted to crack, has been with prostitutes and has syphilis. I went to the clinic and had to get two huge shots even before the blood test came back. We are divorcing. It's been a long 5 years. But I am excited about my future, even though I feel sick today. Sorry to unload, I guess I should get my own blog! I love the way you write. Thanks.

Mantramine said...

funk is bad. Sorry to hear it.

Now, if it wasn't bad enough, I am tagging you