Time has always healed even your deepest pain. Breathe deeply, lean into what is hard, look for the growth opportunity, ask for what you need and take care of yourself every day.
Woke up crying this morning. I miss the Addict so much. I wish I could lie in bed with him and he could hold me in his arms and comfort me in my sadness. I'm so lonely for his love. I just want to feel his arms around me again. And I want to go back to when maybe we had what I thought we had and start there and never get to the terrible day when he chose to betray me again.
I was dreading today - the first Valentine's Day in 34 years when I would be nobody's valentine. I was dreading that this silly, greeting-card holiday would pass without the Addict thinking about us and what we had been to each other.
I told my therapy group about this anxiety. My therapist asked if I could ask the Addict for what I needed. But that seemed too scary - like I was maybe suggesting or implying that I wanted something I'm not sure I want. So, I was going to be content with spending the evening in having dinner with Mom and a close girlfriend.
But, at 9:18am, the Addict texted.
Setting aside, for just a moment, all of our difficulties. I want to tell you that I think you are a wonderful person. You are kind and hilarious and beautiful and talented and smart and loving. You’re a wonderful mother and a fantastic friend. You have a smile that lights up the world and an amazing voice. I love you and I hope you have a wonderful day.
I was so thankful and relieved to know that I was still in his heart. Because he is still in mine. Even with the things he's done, he's still in my heart. Even though I don't see a clear path to repair our relationship, he's still in my heart. Because I believe him when he says things like he did in that text. There was love. There is love. That's what is so confusing. That's what keeps me from turning my back on him despite the fact that he had such flagrant disregard for my core boundaries.
I'm like an abused woman who can't quit her man. Or maybe I AM an abused woman who can't quit her man.
This shit fucks with me.
This morning I am really struggling with some thing. I’m really struggling with how you did this twice. How we went through all we went through, and yet you made the choice to do what you did. I want to work on this in therapy because I need an answer as to why you made the choices you made. I don’t believe it is an unanswerable question. Because it really feels terrible that we went through everything we went through, and you saw me go through everything I went through, and yet you made the choice to do what you did. You didn’t just wake up having sex with somebody. You made decisions and choices along the way to take actions, to lie to me, to hide things. Those were all conscious choices and I want to know what you were thinking that led you to make these choices - what you were telling yourself in your head.
You might not know now, but I believe it is something that you can figure out. Without an answer there is no way for me to feel safe or happy with you.
The disregard for me is, I think, at the heart of why this feels particularly terrible. How could you have such disregard for me as you made these decisions? It’s not like you did not know how I would feel about you doing these things. You knew and you did them anyway. That makes me feel insignificant.
Maybe it was easier to do the second time because you had already done it to me the first time and I had forgiven you. It is said that you teach people the way to treat you. Maybe I taught you that you could do this to me.
After all of these years I want to be seen. I want to feel like I matter. It is hard to feel like we’ve spent so many years together and yet when it comes down to it I don’t matter.
It looks like disclosure might not happen for 2 - 3 months now. The Addict's therapist thinks it will take that long to get it right. So we stay in this weird limbo. What are we doing? Are we rebuilding? Are we working toward divorce? I don't think either of us knows.
I've realized that I can't go through this round of couples therapy without working through the fact that the Addict's experience of me and our relationship happened through a filter that was him being a liar and a betrayer and having all the self-loathing, guilt and other feelings associated with that. So he saw me through that fog. I think he projects a lot of things on to me. For example, during Round 1, he described me as "pissed off, frustrated, unhappy and distracted." But that was HIM during that time in our lives. I had the usual grouses and frustrations, I think, but I felt generally happy and contented. But he saw me as pissed off, frustrated, unhappy and distracted. I asked him if he felt the same way this time, and he said yes. This complaint or description of me has persisted for 15 years, through 3 1/2 years of therapy and 12-step and Landmark and Buddhism. I have grown and changed, but his experience of me has stayed the same. Maybe it's me, but I don't think so. At least, not entirely. He was a lying, betraying alcoholic for the past 9 years, so I don't know if he's the best judge of me.
He has other persistent complaints: "When I'm mad, it's my problem. When you're mad, something is wrong with the world and it's usually me." "You can't handle the truth." "I can't express my anger." "I'm afraid of your anger."
He's also terrified of his mother's anger. And he always felt that his father was critical no matter how well he did. I think some of the complaints about me are unresolved childhood issues. Maybe some of it is there in me, but I think some of it he sees because that's what he's looking for in people.
I don't know how nothing has changed. I know I certainly have. I'm not perfect, but I am aware of my absolutist approach to the world and work to catch myself and apologize. I work hard to be responsive - I come to dinner when he says it's ready; I don't work weekends and evenings; I work to be a better listener, and to recognize when I'm being controlling or too black-and-white in my thinking. I am AWARE of my shortcomings and work to address them. So I can't imagine that nothing has changed. So some of it must be in his perception - his "listening" of me. And that was shaped when he was a lying, betraying active alcoholic. So how could he believe I loved him? How could he believe I wasn't critical? How could he believe that I was making space for him? AND - if things were so awful, why didn't he SAY SOMETHING? He says that he tried, which I don't doubt, but was unsuccessful and gave up. But that's lame. That's just absolving himself of responsibility and retreating into old patterns and making me the difficult one. He should have had a boundary and held to it and pressured me to confront what was not working in our relationship instead of giving up and thinking to himself, "She can't handle it so I will." And I think I'm not the one who couldn't handle it. I don't know who is - but it's someone from his childhood. Not me. He may not like how I respond, but I can handle shit. I dealt with the annihilation of my life 15 years ago and worked through that. I can handle shit.
When he is lying and betraying and keeping big secrets, there is no real intimacy. There is no real connectedness. Of course he feels disconnected from me. Of course he feels criticized and less than. Of course I make him feel awful. Of course he feels pissed off, frustrated, unhappy and distracted.
We have a lot to work out and work through if there's any hope for repair. And a lot of it is him facing who he has been and the impact of that. He needs to think about and acknowledge what his lying, betraying and holding secrets did to his love for me. That has to happen FIRST, before we can think about rebuilding.
I'm reading "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" and hoping it will bring me some clarity about what I want.
My new blanket came today. It's been chilly and, even with a wool blanket, sleeping alone has been cold. The Addict was a warm person, so I was never cold in beed when he was here. I'll be warmer. But I'll still be alone.
I wish we didn’t have this huge mess in our lives so that we could be together and care for each other. That was what I wanted. To be with you and care for you and share life with you. Every day I feel an emptiness where you would have been. I am missing all the moments we should be sharing.
Me too.
The difference is that you caused it and I am the person it happened to. We are both sad, but you were the one with the choices. You took away my ability to choose the moment you started lying.
Yes.
You gave away your life. I had mine taken. Twice.
Watched the tv show Pam & Tommy last night, not realizing the potential for triggering unwelcome thoughts. Fifteen years ago I struggled with my self-esteem as I had to contend with the Addict fucking women 20 years younger than me and read his descriptions of their beauty and their bodies on the prostitute review site he frequented. I was not them. I was not perfect and beautiful, and that has always been a fear of mine - not being physically adequate.
Now, fifteen years later, the women he's fucked are 30+ years younger than me. I was joking with a friend that my dating profile would be "large but sagging breasts, melted-candle-wax figure, smart, funny, fun and creative, fuck you if you don't have the courage."
I could not help myself, and texted the Addict this morning.
It hurts me so much to know that you have of marveled at the physical perfection of other women you're about to fuck. It's one think to look at a picture or even a video, but to be touching her breasts and her flat stomach, putting your lips on hers, to be gazing at her beautiful face and looking into her eyes as you enter her with your penis - that is what makes me sick to my stomach with dread and feelings of being unable to be enough. I can never be that perfect fuck that you've not only fantasized about, but have had SO MANY TIMES. And in these moments, you would have left me so completely. I never left you for other people like that in 34 years. And clearly it was important to you to have this because you risked everything to get it. You have the capacity to leave me behind. To be so intimate and enthralled with another. I gave that only to you. And it meant something to me.
And after having all of that, how can you ever go back? So far it hasn’t been possible. You’ve never been able to go back to just one imperfect woman who loves you. That was not enough. Do you really believe you are capable of that? I am serious. If you know that the answer to that question is no, or if you doubt that the answer to that question is yes, I want to know. It would save us all a lot of agony.
My experience is absolutely nothing like what you attributing to me because of this movie. I am absolutely positive I can live without ever having sex with anyone else.
How are you absolutely positive when you have never done that before? What is different since the first time we went through all this? Weren’t you absolutely positive before, last time?
The main thing that’s different is that I’m doing this for me, not for anyone or anything else.
What were you doing it for last time?
You.
Consider that you were doing it for you last time so that you could keep what you wanted. And also remember that when you told me you had gone to the parking lot of the massage parlor with money in your pocket but that you didn’t go through with it, I said, "That doesn’t make any sense at all. What was it that kept you from going through with it." And you said, “You called.” As if somehow I was important. So I don’t really buy that I was the reason that you did it last time. For at least the last 9 years, what you wanted was always more important than me. At least judging by your actions.
I woke with a heavy heart. Still can't believe that waking up alone without the love of my life beside me is my life now. I am 57. Still can't believe that this is what my life is after 34 years of building a life and a relationship with someone - at least, I thought I was. It's so far from what I had envisioned, and there's nothing I can do about it but accept what is so. I never had a chance to fight a problem that was kept hidden from me, never had a chance to take any action to save us.
It's been 28 days since the Addict moved out.
I bought myself a new bicycle yesterday and went for a test ride today along the beach. It was really wonderful. It was a good day.
This is an email the Addict sent to me on June 5, 2007, four days after the first time I discovered he had been having sex with prostitutes for most of our marriage:
If you give me a second chance you will not regret it. I promise you. All I want to do is to hold you and comfort you and make you feel safe again. Please let me do that.
I know you don't want to let me off the hook but believe me, I am not off the hook. I know how awful my behavior has been. I am going to do everything in my power to change my life and get the support to make that change so that I can ensure that I will never go down that path again.It seems like intellectually you don't want to punish me but you don't deserve to punish yourself either. You know that I have never, ever lied to you about how much I love you. You don't have to forgive me to let me love you and to, maybe, let yourself love me.
I will be, for you, the man you think I am, forever.
I have been in a shame spiral for the past month because I have been ashamed for lying to you about drinking and ashamed for thinking of acting out sexually on occasion so I have not been vigorous in my denials of your assumptions. I understand that because I lied to your face about drinking and deceived you in the past about my sexual acting out you don’t believe anything that comes out of my mouth.But I did not take the actions you assume I have.But it doesn’t matter what I say. You have decided that everything I have ever said has been a lie. It is impossible to prove a negative AND, more importantly, I HAVE come very CLOSE to acting out sexually and I have taken out money with the consideration of doing it.But I have not.But why should you give me the benefit of the doubt? No reason I can think of.I am looking for a place to live. Do you want to cut all ties as much as possible or can I use this back space (our backyard office/gym space) for work and working out?
So many lies. Placing responsibility on me for not being able to give him the benefit of the doubt. This is the sick mind of the addict.
On the day he wrote that, the Addict was far away from any kind of SA recovery practice and was also just an occasional drop-in to AA meetings. I think daily practice would have made all the difference, perhaps coupled with regular therapy, both individual and couples. But we were not diligent about these things, maybe because, when things felt good, it also felt good to put the whole thing behind us and trust that we were in a new, rebuilt relationship where sexual betrayal wasn't possible any more. We had tools, support, behavior circles, and we had years of growing trust.
But without a daily recovery practice, everything we had learned and accomplished was not enough.
And, he did mention to me recently that he worried that he might be one of those people talked about in the Big Book as constitutionally incapable of telling the truth. So maybe nothing would have made a difference.
The roller coaster continues, from pain and grief to feeling...resigned, I guess. Had EMDR at therapy last night and was able to release a lot of grief and anguish.
I looked at my tracking sheet again, where I have made an account of all the Addict's withdrawals of chunks of cash from our account and seeing that he went to prostitutes 3-4 or more times a month is just really hard to take. Where was I? Even if he thinks he never gave anything of himself to all those prostitutes he fucked, he had to leave me to fuck them and that is a big part of what hurts. How could he leave me for those moments? How could he be intimate with them in ways that I thought were only for me? Caress them, lick them, smell them, feel their bodies against his, their nipples in his mouth, their mouths on his penis. How could he push his penis into another woman's body and let me disappear? Probably more than 100 times by the looks of it. WHERE WAS I IN HIS HEART???
And I know that right now he is so wrapped up in his own recovery that he cannot begin to grasp the depths of my sadness and pain. And he likely never will. I almost hate him for that.
I've been reading the first year of this blog from 2007, and so many of the feelings are the same. I feel stronger now to bear them, but the intense pain, sadness and grief I feel now are everything I went through before. Hard to imagine that I'm going through this again. Really makes me feel like a fool.
I miss lying beside you at night. It doesn’t feel right. I hate this. Why do things have to be this way? I can’t believe that I am going through this again. This time was supposed to be a time for us now that Yogi had gone away to school. Time to grow closer and focus on each other. I was really looking forward to that. I really miss you. But I am so fucked up by this.I miss lying beside you at night. It doesn’t feel right. I hate this. Why do things have to be this way? I can’t believe that I am going through this again. This time was supposed to be a time for us now that Yogi had gone away to school. Time to grow closer and focus on each other. I was really looking forward to that. I really miss you. But I am so fucked up by this.There is nothing I can do except for be sad. I cannot change any of this. I just wish it would stop hurting.
I have told you a lot about the grief I feel regarding the loss I am experiencing. I have not told you as much about the sadness. I am so deeply sad about the lying and betrayal. I do not think I ever lied to you. Because lying creates distance and separation. If you felt distance and separation in our relationship, consider that it may have been your lies to me over and over again that were the source of that. And regarding each and every time you had sex with another person, I have only given myself to you. And all of those parts you gave of yourself when you had sex with them were parts that should have been given to me. Based on our vows. Based on our relationship. Based on love mutual respect and trust. Based on tour word after the last time we went through this. So many moments that should have been shared with me were given instead to other people and that gives me such deep pain. And I can see from the bank records that there have been so many. Even more than last time. Which is just so hard to believe considering everything we have been through. Nobody in my life has hurt me as much as you have. And over such a long sustained period of time.I cannot understand what I ever did to you for you to be OK with treating me like this.
I just realized that this time feels so different because, for Round One, I think we were in couples therapy working with a skilled sex addiction specialist to REPAIR our relationship within a week after discovery.
This time, we are living apart, in limbo, we've had only one couples session and I don't know if I see a way we can repair. That is why the grief is so intense right now. I was abruptly severed from my primary relationship and now we've been living separately for 23 days - the longest we've ever been apart, I think. It really feels like sudden death. The last time did, too, in other ways. But at least we were together and working toward recovery and rebuilding. This time I am alone.
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