Nobody's valenetine

I was dreading today - the first Valentine's Day in 34 years when I would be nobody's valentine. I was dreading that this silly, greeting-card holiday would pass without the Addict thinking about us and what we had been to each other. 

I told my therapy group about this anxiety. My therapist asked if I could ask the Addict for what I needed. But that seemed too scary - like I was maybe suggesting or implying that I wanted something I'm not sure I want. So, I was going to be content with spending the evening in having dinner with Mom and a close girlfriend.

But, at 9:18am, the Addict texted. 

Setting aside, for just a moment, all of our difficulties. I want to tell you that I think you are a wonderful person. You are kind and hilarious and beautiful and talented and smart and loving. You’re a wonderful mother and a fantastic friend. You have a smile that lights up the world and an amazing voice. I love you and I hope you have a wonderful day.

I was so thankful and relieved to know that I was still in his heart. Because he is still in mine. Even with the things he's done, he's still in my heart. Even though I don't see a clear path to repair our relationship, he's still in my heart. Because I believe him when he says things like he did in that text. There was love. There is love. That's what is so confusing. That's what keeps me from turning my back on him despite the fact that he had such flagrant disregard for my core boundaries. 

I'm like an abused woman who can't quit her man. Or maybe I AM an abused woman who can't quit her man.

This shit fucks with me.