Limbo

It looks like disclosure might not happen for 2 - 3 months now. The Addict's therapist thinks it will take that long to get it right.  So we stay in this weird limbo. What are we doing? Are we rebuilding? Are we working toward divorce? I don't think either of us knows. 

I've realized that I can't go through this round of couples therapy without working through the fact that the Addict's experience of me and our relationship happened through a filter that was him being a liar and a betrayer and having all the self-loathing, guilt and other feelings associated with that. So he saw me through that fog. I think he projects a lot of things on to me. For example, during Round 1, he described me as "pissed off, frustrated, unhappy and distracted." But that was HIM during that time in our lives. I had the usual grouses and frustrations, I think, but I felt generally happy and contented. But he saw me as pissed off, frustrated, unhappy and distracted. I asked him if he felt the same way this time, and he said yes. This complaint or description of me has persisted for 15 years, through 3 1/2 years of therapy and 12-step and Landmark and Buddhism. I have grown and changed, but his experience of me has stayed the same. Maybe it's me, but I don't think so. At least, not entirely. He was a lying, betraying alcoholic for the past 9 years, so I don't know if he's the best judge of me.

He has other persistent complaints: "When I'm mad, it's my problem. When you're mad, something is wrong with the world and it's usually me." "You can't handle the truth." "I can't express my anger." "I'm afraid of your anger." 

He's also terrified of his mother's anger. And he always felt that his father was critical no matter how well he did. I think some of the complaints about me are unresolved childhood issues. Maybe some of it is there in me, but I think some of it he sees because that's what he's looking for in people. 

I don't know how nothing has changed. I know I certainly have. I'm not perfect, but I am aware of my absolutist approach to the world and work to catch myself and apologize. I work hard to be responsive - I come to dinner when he says it's ready; I don't work weekends and evenings; I work to be a better listener, and to recognize when I'm being controlling or too black-and-white in my thinking. I am AWARE of my shortcomings and work to address them. So I can't imagine that nothing has changed. So some of it must be in his perception - his "listening" of me. And that was shaped when he was a lying, betraying active alcoholic. So how could he believe I loved him? How could he believe I wasn't critical? How could he believe that I was making space for him? AND - if things were so awful, why didn't he SAY SOMETHING? He says that he tried, which I don't doubt, but was unsuccessful and gave up. But that's lame. That's just absolving himself of responsibility and retreating into old patterns and making me the difficult one. He should have had a boundary and held to it and pressured me to confront what was not working in our relationship instead of giving up and thinking to himself, "She can't handle it so I will." And I think I'm not the one who couldn't handle it. I don't know who is - but it's someone from his childhood. Not me. He may not like how I respond, but I can handle shit. I dealt with the annihilation of my life 15 years ago and worked through that. I can handle shit.

When he is lying and betraying and keeping big secrets, there is no real intimacy. There is no real connectedness. Of course he feels disconnected from me. Of course he feels criticized and less than. Of course I make him feel awful. Of course he feels pissed off, frustrated, unhappy and distracted.

We have a lot to work out and work through if there's any hope for repair. And a lot of it is him facing who he has been and the impact of that. He needs to think about and acknowledge what his lying, betraying and holding secrets did to his love for me. That has to happen FIRST, before we can think about rebuilding. 

I'm reading "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" and hoping it will bring me some clarity about what I want.

My new blanket came today. It's been chilly and, even with a wool blanket, sleeping alone has been cold. The Addict was a warm person, so I was never cold in beed when he was here. I'll be warmer. But I'll still be alone.