Mornings are hard because I wake up and remember again that my life has changed

This morning I am really struggling with some thing. I’m really struggling with how you did this twice. How we went through all we went through, and yet you made the choice to do what you did. I want to work on this in therapy because I need an answer as to why you made the choices you made. I don’t believe it is an unanswerable question. Because it really feels terrible that we went through everything we went through, and you saw me go through everything I went through, and yet you made the choice to do what you did. You didn’t just wake up having sex with somebody. You made decisions and choices along the way to take actions, to lie to me, to hide things. Those were all conscious choices and I want to know what you were thinking that led you to make these choices - what you were telling yourself in your head.

You might not know now, but I believe it is something that you can figure out. Without an answer there is no way for me to feel safe or happy with you.

The disregard for me is, I think, at the heart of why this feels particularly terrible. How could you have such disregard for me as you made these decisions?  It’s not like you did not know how I would feel about you doing these things. You knew and you did them anyway. That makes me feel insignificant. 

Maybe it was easier to do the second time because you had already done it to me the first time and I had forgiven you. It is said that you teach people the way to treat you. Maybe I taught you that you could do this to me.

After all of these years I want to be seen. I want to feel like I matter. It is hard to feel like we’ve spent so many years together and yet when it comes down to it I don’t matter.