Triggered by TV

Watched the tv show Pam & Tommy last night, not realizing the potential for triggering unwelcome thoughts. Fifteen years ago I struggled with my self-esteem as I had to contend with the Addict fucking women 20 years younger than me and read his descriptions of their beauty and their bodies on the prostitute review site he frequented. I was not them. I was not perfect and beautiful, and that has always been a fear of mine - not being physically adequate.

Now, fifteen years later, the women he's fucked are 30+ years younger than me. I was joking with a friend that my dating profile would be "large but sagging breasts, melted-candle-wax figure, smart, funny, fun and creative, fuck you if you don't have the courage."

I could not help myself, and texted the Addict this morning.

It hurts me so much to know that you have of marveled at the physical perfection of other women you're about to fuck. It's one think to look at a picture or even a video, but to be touching her breasts and her flat stomach, putting your lips on hers, to be gazing at her beautiful face and looking into her eyes as you enter her with your penis - that is what makes me sick to my stomach with dread and feelings of being unable to be enough. I can never be that perfect fuck that you've not only fantasized about, but have had SO MANY TIMES. And in these moments, you would have left me so completely. I never left you for other people like that in 34 years. And clearly it was important to you to have this because you risked everything to get it. You have the capacity to leave me behind. To be so intimate and enthralled with another. I gave that only to you. And it meant something to me.

And after having all of that, how can you ever go back? So far it hasn’t been possible. You’ve never been able to go back to just one imperfect woman who loves you. That was not enough. Do you really believe you are capable of that? I am serious. If you know that the answer to that question is no, or if you doubt that the answer to that question is yes, I want to know. It would save us all a lot of agony.

My experience is absolutely nothing like what you attributing to me because of this movie. I am absolutely positive I can live without ever having sex with anyone else. 

How are you absolutely positive when you have never done that before? What is different since the first time we went through all this? Weren’t you absolutely positive before, last time?

The main thing that’s different is that I’m doing this for me, not for anyone or anything else. 

What were you doing it for last time?

You.

Consider that you were doing it for you last time so that you could keep what you wanted. And also remember that when you told me you had gone to the parking lot of the massage parlor with money in your pocket but that you didn’t go through with it, I said, "That doesn’t make any sense at all. What was it that kept you from going through with it."  And you said, “You called.” As if somehow I was important. So I don’t really buy that I was the reason that you did it last time. For at least the last 9 years, what you wanted was always more important than me. At least judging by your actions.