More of the same awful feelings

The roller coaster continues, from pain and grief to feeling...resigned, I guess. Had EMDR at therapy last night and was able to release a lot of grief and anguish.

I looked at my tracking sheet again, where I have made an account of all the Addict's withdrawals of chunks of cash from our account and seeing that he went to prostitutes 3-4 or more  times a month is just really hard to take. Where was I? Even if he thinks he never gave anything of himself to all those prostitutes he fucked, he had to leave me to fuck them and that is a big part of what hurts. How could he leave me for those moments? How could he be intimate with them in ways that I thought were only for me? Caress them, lick them, smell them, feel their bodies against his, their nipples in his mouth, their mouths on his penis. How could he push his penis into another woman's body and let me disappear? Probably more than 100 times by the looks of it. WHERE WAS I IN HIS HEART???

And I know that right now he is so wrapped up in his own recovery that he cannot begin to grasp the depths of my sadness and pain. And he likely never will. I almost hate him for that. 

I've been reading the first year of this blog from 2007, and so many of the feelings are the same. I feel stronger now to bear them, but the intense pain, sadness and grief I feel now are everything I went through before. Hard to imagine that I'm going through this again. Really makes me feel like a fool.