I'm sick of hearing that men are likely to be unfaithful

It may be true but it pisses me off every time I hear statistics about men being so much more likely to commit infidelity than women. What is the source of that? Perhaps it's purely the animal instinct to ensure the persistence of the species, but since as humans we have a higher consciousness I don't think that explains it all.

I think the media conveys messages that male infidelity is normal, that the male sexual appetite is beyond control, and that the way to be successful as a woman is to please men (have big breasts, be thin, be sexy, smell good, feel good to the touch, etc.) I think our culture encourages excess, and the idea that we can have it all (for example sex with our partners and sex on the side, too.) Finally, I'm beginning to think that the idea that prostitution is a path and not a problem is wrong.

I'm a liberal across the board, and I used to view the decision to be a prostitute as a personal choice. But just as we as a society try to help other less fortunate and disadvantaged groups (homeless, mentally ill, addicted, impoverished, etc), I think we need to offer more help to prostitutes to get out of that way of life. If healthy, well adjusted adult women were becoming prostitutes, I'd say it's not my business. But statistics show that most women who become prostitutes are victims of physical, sexual, and/or emotional abuse, most often beginning in childhood. What could make the difference? Lots of things, starting with basics like better child care, better health care, better public education and a government that supports families with policies rather than slogans, or a society that encourages us to care for our fellow human beings rather than to look out for Number One.

I'm getting way off the subject of my blog and this post is too long, but I'm mad about how the culture I live in gives such mixed, confusing messages about sexuality and gender. There are no easy answers, but discussion and awareness are at least a starting point.

Talking with my friend about infidelity

A girlfriend told me today that she'd passed up an opportunity to have an affair. We were talking about grief over getting older, choices and needing to figure out what to do with the rest of our lives.

Something that stood out for me was how we sometimes think about doing things that we wouldn't really do, or things that conflict with each other, and why we do that. Because I've been doing a lot of that kind of thinking. (I still have moments when I'm convinced I should go out and have casual sex with other men.)

As we talked I realized that even for the rash things we think about, there are valid underlying reasons why we're having those thoughts, and the valid underlying reasons should not be overlooked, dismissed or otherwise invalidated no matter how rash the impulses.

Invalidating thoughts and feelings is what got Husband where he is, he and I where we are, and what makes sorting everything out so confusing for me. I have all sorts of conflicting thoughts, desires, urges and instincts (running, revenge, forgiving and forgetting, hurting him, loving him, etc). I realized that I can't discount any of them, but really need to look to the origin of all of them to get somewhere healthy, somewhere that I really might want to be.

Still feeling a lack of power

I realized this morning that despite everything (Husband's best efforts, therapy, reading, etc) I'm still feeling a lack of power in my relationship. I also know it comes from me, not from Husband. From my fears and insecurities. I know it's there because I still have thoughts of having my own infidelities to hurt him ("Honey, I met this hot, sexy guy (and when I say sexy I mean six-pack) at a coffee shop today and we ended up going back to his apartment and having sex. But it meant nothing to me and it had nothing do to with you. And I'm only going to do it 27 more times." Pause. Sweet smile. "How does that feel?!"), and I worry about doing something "wrong" that will bring back his resentments.

We started a dance class last night. Husband is a very good dancer, and we love dancing together. It feels great to be in his arms, and to be having fun with him. I'm glad that in the midst of all the chaos we're able to make this time to do something light and fun - and something that will help further the re-establishment of the bond we had, help us move forward on our path.

Acceptance

I just read an important distinction regarding acceptance.

You can accept where you are in the present moment but that doesn't mean accepting fate or, in other words, a future that you don't want. So, in that context...

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (the past); courage to change the things I can (the future) and the wisdom to know the difference.

(For reference, here's the Wikipedia entry for the Serenity Prayer.)

I'm struggling with acceptance right now. I don't like my new past. I want the past I thought I had before, except I want both Husband and I to experience it the way I thought it was, not the way he thought it was (which wasn't so great for him.) And that, of course, is impossible in any case.

Acceptance. I'm going to have to try for one day at a time.

Understanding a source of pain and anxiety

Just realized that a source of anxiety for me is that I'm missing a certainty I used to feel about the future.

Before June 1st, based on the past I had a strong sense of what my future might look like. Now, based on my new past, I no longer have that feeling.

The reality is that I could have no more actual certainty about the future before June 1st than after, but I FELT like I could. The discovery of my husband's extended adultery with prostitutes simply put me face to face with the fact that the future for all of us is unknowable, uncertain and mostly beyond my control. We may have beliefs, ideas, thoughts, feelings, hopes, goals, etc...But there is no way to know for sure. That fact comes into direct conflict with the base survival instinct. So that is the true source of a lot of anxiety for me...being present to the fact that as a human being the next moment will forever be unknown to me and beyond my ability to control.

I have lost a sense of my value to my partner

I realized this morning on the drive to work that part of what I feel sad and disoriented about is that I have lost a sense of how much my husband values me in his life. Not surprising considering that he's lied to me for years and secretly had sex and sexual activity with so many other partners over that time. He tells me all the time how much I mean to him, how I've saved his life, and how much he loves me. And I believe him. But words are words - I've heard all those words before June 1st. I don't doubt that he meant what he said, but one does not get a sense of another's appreciation by being betrayed. I need and appreciate his words to that effect, but I need more than that. I need actions. I need him to work hard to restore the context I had, not like a thought or a feeling, but the context in which I lived my life, part of which was that he valued me so much that he chose to be with me over all others, chose to be sexually intimate with me over all others, and (I thought) chose to be deeply open and honest with me allowing for a level of trust I shared with no one else. These things gave me a sense of how much my husband valued me, and developed over years, decades even. Then they were suddenly jerked away from me when I found out about the years of prostitutes. So it will take words and actions beyond the everyday, and time - like restoring ancient forests after strip mining or delicate coral beds after they are struck by passing ships.

Still have lots of feelings to deal with

Had an SAnon meeting tonight, and then a visit with Sophia. I could write a lot, but must go to bed. However I want to document that alcohol frees me to be present to pain, grief and anger that I still carry with me.

I started asking Husband questions I should never have asked tonight, and got answers that hurt me. Do you still think of sex with other women? Mmmmm...not a lot. Before I found out, did you think about it a lot? I guess so. Then he had to get off the phone. Called me later to say he thought about it and realized that while he might have thought about sex with other women 2 or 3 month ago, he doesn't anymore. His thinking is changing.

That's great, but I'm still angry about the fact that I did what we fucking said we'd do in our relationship (be honest and communicate, not to mention be monogamous) and he didn't, and that lead to my life being turned upside down and my guts and heart being torn apart. And I'm still grieving the part of me that was so idealisitic that died with that discovery. And I'm still hurt by his lies and by the fact that he's had sex with so many other women while I thought we were choosing to give up all those other options when we commited to being together. There's a lot inside that I'm not skilled at getting out. But when I drink and talk openly with Sophia, it's there.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...for example that in the past 3 1/2 years my husband has had sex with at least 28 other women.

10 Ways to Build Healthy Relationships

This is a post from the blog Pick the Brain.

Trying out my new method

Not a day goes by where I don't think about Husband's infielity and betrayal. It's just part of the fabric of my consciousness now. I often get images in my head of him engaged in activities with other women, or think about how he was feeling, what he must have been thinking. The other night I asked if he could confirm that he'd never had sex with a prostitute and then me in the same day. (While he couldn't remember that every happening, he coudn't promise that it hadn't.) Last night I was thinking about how he spent the day before our anniversary last year trying to find a prostitute to have sex with. (He can positively confirm that fell through at the last minute, despite two different attempts, so he didn't actually have sex with another woman the day before our anniversary last year, although he tried.)

I've been trying out my method of thinking of him as a New Man, to varying degrees of success. It often works to get me out of the pain, but it doesn't completely get rid of my thoughts and feelings. Those come back again and agian. And I don't what to get rid of feelings. But I do want to stop suffering over a past I have no control over and focus on a future that I have the ability to create. Easier said than done, and it's one day at a time, over and over again.

Another way to look at my situation

So the only thing that can really help me is me, right? So how about this:

I’m an early 40s woman with a 6 year old son. I’m involved with a new man. He’s smart and funny and talented and we’re interested in the same things, value the same things, share a very similar outlook on life. My son loves him, he loves my son, and he says he’s in love with me, too. In fact, he says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. My body isn’t perfect, but he thinks it’s beautiful. I’m not a young model type, but he thinks I’m beautiful. He tells me I’m smart and funny and talented. He’s handsome, loving, generous, kind, tender and gentle. He’s a wonderful lover. He was in a long relationship before in which he made some serious mistakes, and had a major crisis. He learned a lot from that – a lot about himself, and about who he’ll be in a relationship now. He’ll never lie. He’ll be honest and communicate openly. He’s in therapy and in 12-step programs, and is ongoingly working on better understanding the origins of his addictions and works hard every day, and with intention, to be who he says he’s going to be one day at a time.