Not a day goes by where I don't think about Husband's infielity and betrayal. It's just part of the fabric of my consciousness now. I often get images in my head of him engaged in activities with other women, or think about how he was feeling, what he must have been thinking. The other night I asked if he could confirm that he'd never had sex with a prostitute and then me in the same day. (While he couldn't remember that every happening, he coudn't promise that it hadn't.) Last night I was thinking about how he spent the day before our anniversary last year trying to find a prostitute to have sex with. (He can positively confirm that fell through at the last minute, despite two different attempts, so he didn't actually have sex with another woman the day before our anniversary last year, although he tried.)
I've been trying out my method of thinking of him as a New Man, to varying degrees of success. It often works to get me out of the pain, but it doesn't completely get rid of my thoughts and feelings. Those come back again and agian. And I don't what to get rid of feelings. But I do want to stop suffering over a past I have no control over and focus on a future that I have the ability to create. Easier said than done, and it's one day at a time, over and over again.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
2 comments:
Just wondering if you've ever considered moving out of the LA area to somewhere that has less temptations for your husband? I know that gamblers living in Las Vegas have no other choice to but to move out of Vegas in order to not be tempted.
If Husband feels a move is necessary, I'd certainly be open to it. (We both talk often about moving back to Seattle.) But women who will have sex for money (or for free) are everywhere, and the actual location of Husband's issues is not Los Angeles, but within himself (in other words, baggage we'd take wherever we move like dusty, old boxes from the attic), which is why a move is something that I have not sought to initiate. It definitley crossed my mind, but if we move it will be because he feels he needs it or for reasons other than removing temptation. I'm trying to be very aware of seeking the temporary relief the illusion of control can bring. I can only control my actions and my responses to Husband's actions. Any attempt to control his behavior will only lead to deeper pain for me.
Post a Comment