The Beginning of Something Else

On June 1, 2007 I found out my husband and partner of almost two decades had been unfaithful to me since before our marriage, and had been having intercourse with prostitutes for 3 1/2 years. This is what happened next.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Blind trust vs. informed trust

Because you can never know what another person will do, it's always possible that your partner might hit you. You enter into every relationship with that possibility.

But until your partner hits you, you are in a relationship with somebody who you've known as "someone who doesn't hit." However, after you get hit once, you are now in a relationship with somebody who hits, and you know this because you've been hit by this person. If your partner says "I won't hit you" it makes a difference if you've known him as someone who doesn't hit you vs. someone who has hit you.

I'm struggling with the fact that, while I can never know what someone will do, I'm finding it harder to trust Husband now that I know him as someone who will lie to me and who can hurt me profoundly. Before I thought I really knew he would never do those things. My evidence was pretty good. But know I know he would do those things and my evidence is that he has done them. (Is this my Absolutist again?)

I'm just like the person who returns to a partner who has beaten her up. Am I crazy? I don't know. I feel certain I'd never return to a man who hit me, even if it was just once. Maybe the applicable rule is lie to me once (for 10 or so years) shame on you; lie to me twice, shame on me.

The other thing I've learned is that you can never say never until you find yourself in a situation. I think I'd have said "never" about the situation I'm in now, too.

I had my S-Anon meeting last night, followed by my now regular Tuesday night with Sophia. She was sad about some things going on in her life and together we indulged in too much coffee flavored vodka over ice as we talked until the wee hours.


thejunkyswife said...

Ahh. I found you through MPJ, and I'm glad I stopped by. I have some experience with this feeling after discovering my husband's heroin addiction. It's awful, and I'm sorry you're dealing with it. It's gotten better, but it hasn't gone away for me yet...

woman.anonymous7 said...

Thanks for visiting. I've been reading your blog, too. It's been giving me insight on what it is to live with that uncertainty. And it's good to see that humor and lightness and love have a place right beside anger, dread and anxiety.