The Beginning of Something Else

On June 1, 2007 I found out my husband and partner of almost two decades had been unfaithful to me since before our marriage, and had been having intercourse with prostitutes for 3 1/2 years. This is what happened next.

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Pangs of sadness and the bardo of dream

Had a nice family weekend. Movie with Husband (The Nines - two thumbs up), backyard blow up pool and bbq with friends, beach, dinner with other friends. Oddly, discussion of prostitution came up in passing.

So things seem fine. No great welling of emotion from me. But last night I was present to a feeling of being alone, even while lying right beside Husband. I think I'm still mourning the connection made possible by the level of trust I used to have.

I was reading an article about the Tibetan Buddhist concept of the bardo of dream. Bardos are defined as the phases in the cyclical process of life, death and rebirth. There are six bardos in the cycle. The bardo of dream is described as the interval between falling asleep and waking in which the appearances of the waking state dissolve, there is a gap in which the illusory dream appearances arise, and then the appearances of the waking state become perceptible again. I think this is what the last 10 years of my relationship have been...the gap in which the illusory dream appearances arise. And now I am in the midst of the end of the illusion of happiness that my relationship was, and it makes me sad. The bardo of dream represents but one of six bardos that make up a continuous cycle, so the end of this bardo is also a beginning. So I have this new beginning to look forward to.

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