The Beginning of Something Else

On June 1, 2007 I found out my husband and partner of almost two decades had been unfaithful to me since before our marriage, and had been having intercourse with prostitutes for 3 1/2 years. This is what happened next.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Helpful notes from couples therapy

Here's what I need to remember from couples therapy yesterday:

HOW TO TALK PRODUCTIVELY WITH HUSBAND ABOUT PROBLEMS
When you ____ I feel (mad, glad, sad, ashamed, afraid - pick one) and what I make up about that is _____.

When you get to the core of them, most negative feelings come from one of two places:
1. I'm afraid I won't be safe
2. I'm afraid I won't be seen or heard for who I am

WHERE I SPEAK AND THINK FROM
I see the world and listen through the perspective that no matter what, there is always going to be something better than me. (Don't know how I got this belief - need to investigate with my therapist.)

I filter out what is
a. positive, because it feels like that feedback is covering up people's real thoughts and feelings (there's something better than her)
b. not true from my perspective (even in reaction to other people's feelings - for example, if Husband says he feels like I don't care about him, in the past I've ignored that because I know that I do care about him)

It's unlikely that I can rid myself completely of this ingrained perspective, but now that I'm aware I can make a different choice when I notice myself coming from this position.

2 comments:

christy said...

I am all for working things out but in your case I think you should leave him. Having sex with prostitues for 12years is not something you should evr accept. If it was with one person than maybe I could see how you might want to work things out. But in your case you should never trust him again. The best thing I would recommend is to leave him. I know that would be hard but best in the long run. It seems as though he will not change no matter how much therapy you go through. The sooner you accpet the end of your marriage that has been a BIG FAT LIE for the majority of it, the better it is for you in the long run.

Above all get yourself tested please.

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

It's so hard -- and so important -- to work on realizing consciously what we're saying and thinking, what our motivations are. Thanks for the reminder of things I need to look at myself!

BTW, if you stop by my blog there is an award waiting for you. :)