The Beginning of Something Else

On June 1, 2007 I found out my husband and partner of almost two decades had been unfaithful to me since before our marriage, and had been having intercourse with prostitutes for 3 1/2 years. This is what happened next.

Friday, September 28, 2007


Sophia told me today about this dating site that is for married people looking to have affairs. I went and checked it out. Their slogan is "When monogamy becomes monotony."

I've never been a prude, but the thought of such a service makes me sick to my stomach. Something that encourages secret lives, not taking responsiblity for what you really want in life, deception, lying...ugh...I just think it's awful.

Not that I haven't considered it since I found out about Husband's betrayal. But so many of the testimonials were from people who sounded desperately unahppy or deluded.

Maybe monogamy isn't natural. I don't know...

I think it's a choice, a decision, and one that takes courage. It seems easier to say "I"ll have you, and then I'll have someone else, too, when the inclination strikes me." If you say you'll be monogamous, you're trusting that the other party will do the same (I hope - I'm definitely not for unilateral monogamy unless that's what you really want). You're saying you'll give up unknown pleasures and good times on faith. I think that takes courage. Because you might get f'd over. Your partner might cheat or even discard you. It is a risk.

I feel so judgemental right now. I think I'm reacting. Reacting to my own pain. I know some people participate in responsible non-monogamy. The guy I was exchanging emails with on Salon personals was doing that (both he and his spouse - that's part of the deal.)

Anyway, clearly this has pushed my buttons. I'm going to think more about the meaning and value of monogamy.


Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

In a healthy relationship, you don't hide things -- especially not things that would change your partner's vision of the relationship. It may be that we are biologically programmed (whatever that means) for multiple partners, but if we feel we need to be with more than one person, we need to be honest about it.

I have to say though, that I don't know if it's possible to have a healthy relationship with multiple partners anyway. I have just never seen it myself. I do know people with open marriages, but they all have serious mental health issues and one party or the other seems to hurt over the arrangement.

thejunkyswife said...

Yeah...what she said.

And I understand being hurt by seeing this stuff. I get all defensive if people joke about substance abuse...even folks on television or the radio or in music or wherever. It's just not funny or light or ok for me anymore, and I guess it won't be.

Thanks for you comments on my post about needle-finding, by the way. It makes me feel good to know that my crazy is helping folks in the same way that I was helped earlier on in this adventure.

Take care of yourself...

FI0NA said...

That quote about marriage (on the side of your blog) spoke to me today. I had been listening to a radio show about how today, gen x ers value their freedom too much and see commiting to marriage as somehow a failure of their personal autonomy. I on the other hand feel my entire life I have been hemmed in and compromised by my overbearing/controlling partners. Now I see there is a middle ground it is a beautiful quote.