Talked with my therapist about my ongoing sadness over the fact that I feel permanently damaged by Husband's lies and infidelity. I feel like I used to be healthy and happy, and now I've learned that you can't even trust the person you were surest of (funny, I'd learned that before with my father and gotten over it.)
I told her, and our couples therapist, that I'm done with trust on the one hand. I'm going to try to work with out with Husband but if I can't, I'm not putting myself in this position of vulnerability again. And I'm sad about that on the other hand. Now that I've known the freedom and joy of ultimate trust and ultimate vulnerability anything less feels...less. It makes me sad and angry that I feel like I have to give up that quality of life experience. But as I talked I realized that it's still my choice. But now I have to make that choice with the new knowledge I have. I have to choose that level of trust and vulnerability (if that's what I want) knowing that I risk being hurt this deeply and profoundly again. So I'm like Rocky - that boxer with a dream stepping back into the ring...or an idiot...or something between poetic and stupid.
Another thing I realized in my last session: As the absolutist that I am it's been difficult to experience things (like sadness for example) without also feeling like This Is The Way It Is Now. For example, I Will Never Trust Anyone Again. That's how I'm feeling right now, but it doesn't mean I'm destined to live that way forever. So I'm giving myself until June 1, 2008 to have whatever feelings and thoughts I have without question, with the understanding that I'm processing things right now, and I don't have to fret about anything being permanent. I may find that in a year I'm happier, healthier and in a better place in life that I ever imagined possible, and that this was the only path available to get there. Oh, look! It's my natural Pollyanna side poking her head out. It's who I am at the core. Lucky for me otherwise I'd probably have stuck a knife in my eye by now.
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2 comments:
Ha! I have an inner Pollyanna too. I think you have a great plan. I've found that I worry and worry about what I will do if -- if I always feel this way, if my husband acts out again, if... -- and then when the moment arrives, I'm almost always in a different place mentally and spiritually than I was, and I'm always better able to handle things than I thought.
It gets me in the gut to hear that 4 years later you are still worrying. I'm really having trouble accepting that this is my life now. Moving forward knowing that my husband is capable of lying to me and hurting me. Moving forward with this scar that may heal but will never go away. I feel like I'm carrying a weight I can never let go of, and I'm resisting it.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...sooner than later, please!
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