Had an SAnon meeting tonight, and then a visit with Sophia. I could write a lot, but must go to bed. However I want to document that alcohol frees me to be present to pain, grief and anger that I still carry with me.
I started asking Husband questions I should never have asked tonight, and got answers that hurt me. Do you still think of sex with other women? Mmmmm...not a lot. Before I found out, did you think about it a lot? I guess so. Then he had to get off the phone. Called me later to say he thought about it and realized that while he might have thought about sex with other women 2 or 3 month ago, he doesn't anymore. His thinking is changing.
That's great, but I'm still angry about the fact that I did what we fucking said we'd do in our relationship (be honest and communicate, not to mention be monogamous) and he didn't, and that lead to my life being turned upside down and my guts and heart being torn apart. And I'm still grieving the part of me that was so idealisitic that died with that discovery. And I'm still hurt by his lies and by the fact that he's had sex with so many other women while I thought we were choosing to give up all those other options when we commited to being together. There's a lot inside that I'm not skilled at getting out. But when I drink and talk openly with Sophia, it's there.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...for example that in the past 3 1/2 years my husband has had sex with at least 28 other women.
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2 comments:
Do people ever really get over something like this? In the meetings you attend, have you met anyone who successfully and happily kept their marriage together?
I have to admit right now for me it seems impossible. And wives who accept this and stay - are they just so afraid of change? Would they be staying if they had found out something like this when they were still in their 20's or 30's?
Do they just get beaten down by the thought of all those years invested and the immense challenge of an upheaval in their lives when they are at the point of being in their 40's or 50's?
My therapist says it is something that will always be there in our replationship, but that it will become less jarring to me over time.
Regarding staying v. leaving, every situation is different. My choice to try to work this out is based on the fact that, despite his illness, my husband is an outstanding human being in so many other ways. And he loves me, and is working hard to deal with his issues. Were it not for an overwhelming amount of good things still present in the wake of this mess, I would not still be here.
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