After my SAnon meeting last night I was feeling sad. Didn't know why. Went to see my friend Sophie as I often do on Tuesday nights. After I left I was overcome by sadness and that burning pain that feels like it's never going to go away when it settles in.
I still can't believe this is my life now. I thought I had this most beautiful, special, once-in-a-lifetime human connection with Husband, and now instead I have this painful history of Husband betraying my deepest trust by having secret sexual experiences with countless women, and I had nothing to do with creating this history but now it's mine forever and there's no way for me to get away from the pain it brings. I feel disconnected at a fundmental level from Husband, and I'm afriad that dispite everything we're both doing I'll never have such a deep connected feeling to him again, and that is a source of even deeper pain and grief.
I really felt as though I was getting past these moments of intense pain. I wonder how long these feelings will persist. I wish this was over, that we could go back in time and make it never happen so I could have the relationship I thought I had. I know that's fantasy, and doesn't address the pain and suffering Husband was going through while I was so blissful. But that's what my crazy mind wants.
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2 comments:
I can understand how you feel.
I am wondering how you and others reading this may feel about checking on whether he is being truthful now. I've had therapists recommend private detectives and/or tracking devices so that the betrayed spouse can protect herself/himself and find out if there really is any honest change.
Oh, do I know how you feel! I too felt like I had and lost that special connection. I feel like I have regained that through recovery -- knowing that my husband trusts me with his most shameful secrets. He loved me enough to want to be honest with me in the end -- to work with me to heal.
On Crystal's comment, I do know people who go the route of having polygraphs, etc. to check up on a partner's honesty -- some therapists recommend it -- and it seems to work for some couples.
I didn't feel this would really help me because -- 1) I felt my husband could get so wrapped up in fantasy that he could beat a lie detector, thinking he was telling the truth -- and 2) that a polygraph or a detective would only tell me what he was doing at that moment, seconds later I'd feel bad again because now he might be acting out, even if he wasn't before. I felt I had to learn to deal with the problem without knowing what he was doing, had to learn to live with the uncertainty.
I am in the middle of a blog post about just this, but don't know when I will finish, as I am overwhelmed with other things now...
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