Doing my own work

The Addict has requested that I "open a vein" and do my own personal work. So I'm trying to do that. It certainly can't hurt, and who doesn't have things to work on? Today in therapy we talked about my defensiveness. I am defensive. In my mind, I'm not defensive, I'm correcting a misperception or an error or a lack of nuance. But I'm defending myself, which means...I'm defensive. And when I'm defending myself, I'm not listening to my partner. And that's the key. Taking good care of your person, instead of getting to who is right or wrong in a heated moment. Not at the expense of self, but as a taking care of someone in a moment when they need to be heard. I'm afraid of being misunderstood. I'm afraid that I will be misunderstood and, as a result, not loved. I want to hear that I do nothing wrong or hurtful and that I'm loved. But, in fact I do make mistakes or have bad judgement or am selfish or say hurtful things. And what I have to get to is that I can be loved in spite of all that. I can be human, imperfect, and still be worthy of love and devotion. I'm always afraid something better will come along and that I'll no longer be deemed worthy of the love I was getting or the attraction someone was feeling for me or the place I held in someone's heart. (Try having that fear and then having your husband have sex with a bunch of prostitutes who are 20 - 30 years younger than you! It's extremely painful.) I'm defensive because I'm afraid. And it would be great if my partner could take that into consideration. But if he can't, it will be upon me to recognize that in myself in the heat of the moment and to take a deep breath and reflect, take responsibility and repair--if I want to take care of my person and create a secure functioning relationship. AND my partner will need to do that with me when he is afraid if we're to have a secure functioning relationship. But when one of the other of us can't in a momeent, for whatever reason, the other needs to take on the extra responsibility - the responsibility of taking care of the other in a difficult moment and LISTENING. And it's actually a stronger position because whether or not I stop defending myself and choose to reflect, repair and take responsibilty is within my control; whereas getting my partner to remember that I'm afraid of criticism because I think flaws and anger make me unworthy of love is NOT in my control.

This communication shit is hard

I had dinner with the Addict tonight. Our couples therapist recommended that we try to make time to spend with each other so that we can practice the things we're learning in therapy. We are not great at communicating with each other, apparently. We learned something we call ABC: Assume no harm and Be Curious. In other words, when he says something to me that hurts or upsets me, I need to first assume no harm, and then be curious, i.e, ask questions. For example, "It sounds like you're saying X. Is that what you meant to communicate? Tell me more"

My individual therapist has also taught me the 3 Rs: Reflect back what you have heard and keep asking for more until the person has said everything they need to say; take Responsibility for your part and validate the person's experience (not necessarily validating what they say, but rather validating what they experienced whether or not it feels true or right to me); Repair with the appropriate apology for my part in something.

I tried that tonight. At my request, we shared our lists of resentments a couple weeks ago. The Addict really didn't want to do this exercise, and really struggled with it. He broke down crying in our session because he was so scared of sharing - I think he thought I would get angry and tell him to fuck off for good. But we got through it, and I wasn't angry at his list, as he feared. I did feel defensive about some things that felt inaccurate, but I kept myself from defending myself because the point was for each of us to be able to express our resentments, not to discuss or correct. At the end of the session, we agreed that we'd turn our lists into requests, because I really wanted to have a copy of his list so I could start to tease out my part and the things I need to work on. 

This is what he gave to me:

I love you. 

Nothing I say here is intended to excuse or explain my behavior. Nothing I say here is intended to absolve me of the work I have to do.

·      I request that when you ask for difficult exchanges you are prepared to have them in a balanced adult way.

·      I request that when we talk about difficult issues or when I bring up a problem you try to listen for your part in the issue and don’t try to move the subject around to avoid anything that you don’t want to look at or anything that seems unflattering.

·      I request that you step back and do your own personal work. Really look into why you don’t seem to want to believe you ever get angry for example.

·      I request that you don’t think of me as the bucket into which everything bad about our relationship gets thrown. Consider that where there are communication issues, you might have some responsibility and if it doesn’t occur to you immediately, get some help and dig deeper. Consider that the reason it is a mystery to you is that you are hiding something from yourself that you don’t want to face.

·      I request that when you either think I am completely wrong or you are completely wrong you take a breath and set aside both of those options and, with help, look deeper to distinguish your part.

·      I don’t think you’re a bad person but I don’t think you’re perfect. I think you are, like me, a work in progress and I think, like me, you need to be willing to do the work to make progress. I believe you are willing to do that work. I believe I am willing to do that work as well.

·      I want to love you and support you as you do that work.

·      I want you to love me and support me as I do that work.

·      I want us to love and support each other as we work together.

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·       I resent that it seems to me that there are exchanges which you’re asking for but you don't seem have the capacity to have them in a balanced adult way.

·       To me if feels like theres a giant shell game going on. It feels wily, unsolid and I feel like it's an inadvertent effort to avoid taking any part in the dynamic if it reflects on you unflatteringly.

·       I am bitter that you don't step back and do your own personal work. You don't open a vein to do any inquiry about yourself.

·       I resent being the bucket into which every problem is thrown.

·       In my experience you have blinders on and you won't consider that you have any lack or unflattering participation.

·       There are more double binds than I can count and as I say this I'm aware that I am stepping into another one which I’m afraid will result in complete deflection or an utter collapse into which you catastrophize.

·       I'm trying to find my own voice here and I want to give it to you but I distrust your ability to hear it.

·       I'm willing to own my participation in these problems but I reject that I am only person responsible. You seem to be unable to consider your responsibility in a sustained way.

·       I love you but when it comes to who you believe you are and how you show up, my perception is fundamentally different from yours. I don't think you're a bad person. I think you're a work in progress. But I'm afraid you're not truly willing to to do the work that will lead to progress.

·       I am afraid that after I say these things you will want to give up but this is a sincere effort to get in the game with you.

·       We both collude to keep you a saint and I accumulate all the bad. I don't think we should play that game anymore.

·       I want to hold you and support you and love you as we're both deconstructing.

What I get out of this, at a high level: I deflect, catastrophize and dismiss him.

I wanted to talk through his list of resentments (from the past) to get a better handle on what I need to work on. Our experiences are so different. It's stunning at times. So, tonight I asked if we could do that, and he said yes. But it quickly became difficult. He said he didn't feel prepared to answer my questions, didn't feel qualified to answer. He said that he didn't want to dredge up the past to provide examples of the things he resents me for. It's hard to talk with him because he gets annoyed or upset quickly. I said I understood that he wanted to wait and maybe do this another time and that this was okay with me. And I tried to explain that this was my way of doing what he asked for - figuring out how to do my own work and what to look at. It continued to be difficult, with him seeming defensive. I kept trying to listen and validate and apologize for my part of things as he talked. But it felt like I kept saying things in the wrong way. And ultimately it did feel bad to hear him talking about what I need to work on and for me to take responsibility. He said that for 34 years, 100% of the time, when he had a problem he was never heard. It was hard to not defend myself. I'm far from perfect, but I'm also far from 100% insensitive to his problems. We did not talk at all about his accountability. And it wasn't supposed to be about that. And he prefaced our discussion with a reiteration that his list of resentments wasn't supposed to be an excuse or an explanation for his behavior. But it was hard for me to hold space for him and listen and take responsibility when I wasn't getting that back. 

He said he loves me "like crazy." But I don't feel loved. It's hard to feel loved after betrayal. I feel abandoned, unseen, overlooked, despised, resented, forgotten. 

He says he's changing, but he doesn't seem different enough yet. He expressed again a wish for my patience. I feel like I owe it to the 34 years we've been together to give him a year to work. I guess maybe it would be better to talk with him about what he is doing and how he thinks he's changing. 

He said that he thought that, no matter what, each of us would come out of this better and stronger. I wanted to say that I got stronger after the first betrayal discovery, going through annihilation, grief, shattered heart and life. I am strong. Maybe I'll get better. He sees a lot of room for improvement in me. I have to have some patience so we can get to the part where I see what's better in him. He said that he has a huge ego that's as fragile as a bubble--and he's right.

I am going to live my best life

That's my assignment. To live my best life now, even in the midst of separation and betrayal. I'm going to use this period while the Addict is working on himself to build a rich, interesting, connected and satisfying life for myself. Here are the things I'm going to pursue:

• Connect with more friends more often
• Travel
• Get better at photography
• Theater and improv
• Learn Spanish
• Learn piano (Richard)
• Do more singing
• Biking, jogging, swimming and triathlons
• Home and yard improvement

That is my mission. Now I have to get others in on this!

Feelings

In couples therapy, the Addict told me that the safest place for him to be in our marriage was low status. I was so shocked by this, because this is not what I ever wanted. I've always felt that he gave me too much power and that this was a big part of why we had trouble communicating.

I feel sad and scared and hopeless. Sad in my heart and eyes, scared in my chest, hopeless in my chest. I'm afraid that I'm so resented and so defined as so many awful things that I will never be seen as what I want to be - pure love and support. That's what I wish I could have been. I don't know what is wrong with me that I can't see. Am I just obliviously selfish and self-righteous? I don't know. I don't think so, but this is what I'm being told. And the resentment I feel coming toward me hurts and scares me. I'm afraid I'm not loved, or not loved completely, not loved in a way where I'll be safe. 

Missing

Even though the Addict has betrayed me more deeply than anybody else in my life--twice--without his presence I feel like a plant that's not getting enough sun. 

Even though I don't know how to decide if I can be in a relationship with someone who has lied so profoundly, for so many years about something so fundamental to our relationship, I miss him.

Life is so short. Am I wasting the limited number of days I have on this planet separating myself from someone I love who loves me? 

Or am I an abused woman who can't see a way to leave her abuser?

I really don't know.

The ups and downs of limbo

The Addict and I have continued with couples therapy, and I'm feeling more connected or less guarded. Not sure if that's a good thing, given that he's so early in recovery. But we do want to have some kind of relationship since we share a son.

I've been feeling more "normal" a lot of days. But a few nights ago I had too much to drink and called the Addict to share some of the work I'd been doing from a book called "Hold Me Tight." I ended up getting back to a place of feeling all the abandonment and disregard and lack of care, and weeping deeply as we talked. Those feelings are still there and sometimes drinking is a way to release them, I think. Not my recommended practice, but reminds me that even though I feel "normal" a lot of days, there is a lot to be dealt with still.

Woke up today feeling heavy and sad, which I haven't done for a couple weeks now. I don't know whether I'm sad because I miss him, or because I'm getting used to my life without him. I'm afraid to let go.

My friend shared this quote with me:

I don't know if this is the path I want to take, but it's better than all or nothing, which is where my cognitive distortions take me.

Things I want to remember

Time has always healed even your deepest pain. Breathe deeply, lean into what is hard, look for the growth opportunity, ask for what you need and take care of yourself every day. 

Accept the things you cannot change and have the courage and get the support you need to keep strong boundaries and change the things you can. 

This too, shall pass.

Still hurting

Woke up crying this morning. I miss the Addict so much. I wish I could lie in bed with him and he could hold me in his arms and comfort me in my sadness. I'm so lonely for his love. I just want to feel his arms around me again. And I want to go back to when maybe we had what I thought we had and start there and never get to the terrible day when he chose to betray me again.

Nobody's valenetine

I was dreading today - the first Valentine's Day in 34 years when I would be nobody's valentine. I was dreading that this silly, greeting-card holiday would pass without the Addict thinking about us and what we had been to each other. 

I told my therapy group about this anxiety. My therapist asked if I could ask the Addict for what I needed. But that seemed too scary - like I was maybe suggesting or implying that I wanted something I'm not sure I want. So, I was going to be content with spending the evening in having dinner with Mom and a close girlfriend.

But, at 9:18am, the Addict texted. 

Setting aside, for just a moment, all of our difficulties. I want to tell you that I think you are a wonderful person. You are kind and hilarious and beautiful and talented and smart and loving. You’re a wonderful mother and a fantastic friend. You have a smile that lights up the world and an amazing voice. I love you and I hope you have a wonderful day.

I was so thankful and relieved to know that I was still in his heart. Because he is still in mine. Even with the things he's done, he's still in my heart. Even though I don't see a clear path to repair our relationship, he's still in my heart. Because I believe him when he says things like he did in that text. There was love. There is love. That's what is so confusing. That's what keeps me from turning my back on him despite the fact that he had such flagrant disregard for my core boundaries. 

I'm like an abused woman who can't quit her man. Or maybe I AM an abused woman who can't quit her man.

This shit fucks with me.

Mornings are hard because I wake up and remember again that my life has changed

This morning I am really struggling with some thing. I’m really struggling with how you did this twice. How we went through all we went through, and yet you made the choice to do what you did. I want to work on this in therapy because I need an answer as to why you made the choices you made. I don’t believe it is an unanswerable question. Because it really feels terrible that we went through everything we went through, and you saw me go through everything I went through, and yet you made the choice to do what you did. You didn’t just wake up having sex with somebody. You made decisions and choices along the way to take actions, to lie to me, to hide things. Those were all conscious choices and I want to know what you were thinking that led you to make these choices - what you were telling yourself in your head.

You might not know now, but I believe it is something that you can figure out. Without an answer there is no way for me to feel safe or happy with you.

The disregard for me is, I think, at the heart of why this feels particularly terrible. How could you have such disregard for me as you made these decisions?  It’s not like you did not know how I would feel about you doing these things. You knew and you did them anyway. That makes me feel insignificant. 

Maybe it was easier to do the second time because you had already done it to me the first time and I had forgiven you. It is said that you teach people the way to treat you. Maybe I taught you that you could do this to me.

After all of these years I want to be seen. I want to feel like I matter. It is hard to feel like we’ve spent so many years together and yet when it comes down to it I don’t matter.