Feeling sad again last night

This is definitely an up and down ride.

Last night I had some time before my rehearsal, so I stopped in a coffee shop to work on the spreadsheet. As I entered the large cash withdrawals and began to see some shape to all the activity that's been going on, I got present again to the magnitude of it all. I think it's good, because it puts me back in touch with the feelings that are obviously still there. I must be very good at protecting myself, because I can feel absolutely fine at times, and then surprised by the depth of pain and sadness that is still there.

After rehearsal I went home and finished entering what I had. (There's a lot more - years of bank statements to comb through.) There was a strange charge for a rental car and lots of gas from out of town gas stations. My heart started beating, and I ran upstairs with the laptop to where husband was sleeping. He'd told me how badly he needed sleep, but I couldn't stop myself from waking him. It turned out that the charges were actually transacted several days prior to the date they appeared on the statement, and were from husband's drive to join my son and me on a camping trip. Nothing hidden, no new secret to discover. But what I did realize in the subsequent discussion of some of the other activity on the spreadsheet was that recently he'd begun to lie to me about where he was going so he could go out to find prostitutes and go to strip clubs. Prior to this year he'd always done it when I was working or otherwise occuppied. But lately he'd started to tell me he was going somewhere and not really go there. Or go to strip clubs or prostitutes first. It's so fortunate that I caught this when I did. It was escalating so rapidly and getting out of control. I said to him that it probably couldn't have gone much further because we couldn't have afforded it. But he said that he thinks he would have found a way to escalate things - even the thought of our home equity had crossed his mind. He's just started reading Out of the Shadows, and he's beginning to see how much of a classic sex addict he is. It's so weird, for both of us I think. It turns my stomach to think where this could have gone. I thank whatever higher powers there are that I found this before it got to a place where forgiveness would feel impossible.

I was very sad as we talked, present again to the many women and the many betrayals. The betrayals still hurt the most, cause the most anxiety. He comforted me, held me, listened, and answered what he could. He said "One day at a time."

Today is my birthday. There is a party tonight. I've been in on the planning, thinking and hoping I'd be ready for a celebration. I'm sure I will be when the time comes. My son and the kids in aftercare with him yesterday made me a big Happy Birthday banner to hang at the party. It's the best birthday surprise I've had in years. Initiated by my 5 1/2 year old son, from his heart to me. Amazing. Another thing to be grateful for. There is so much.

I broke my rule and made a promise

I'd made a rule that I wouldn't make any promises, wouldn't forgive anything, for 3 months. I wanted to be sure I gave myself time to have feelings before moving on to recovery and rebuilding trust. But yesterday I broke that rule. Am I just being codependet, putting someone else above myself, ignoring my own feelings. I just don't know.

From me to Husband June 27 (14 hours ago)
Just want to say I'm sorry that lunch turned out the way it did. Let's try again, and it will be a no difficult discussions lunch, an I love you and want to spend time with you lunch.

I love you and I'm sorry this is painful. Not I'm sorry like it's my fault, but as someone who loves you I'm sad to see you sad. I'm bummed to see me sad, too. A lot of this just sucks, but that's the way it is.

Please reach out to people around you (I will do the same) and please let me know if and how I can support you (and I will do the same.)

xo

From Husband to me Jun 27 (14 hours ago)

Thanks for the kind words.

FYI I have an appointment with my therapist at 10:20 this Sat and will be seeing him regularly at 8:30 am Sat mornings from now on.

Don’t worry about me. I will be fine.

From me to Husband Jun 27 (14 hours ago)

I know you can be fine. My hope is that you will be free, full of joy and gloriously happy. Fine is not enough for you in my mind. I want you to have it all.

From Husband to me Jun 27 (14 hours ago)

Working on it.

One day at a time.

From me to Husband Jun 27 (14 hours ago)

Take your time. I plan on sticking around.


From Husband to me Jun 27 (13 hours ago)

Are you aware that today you said “maybe I should have never gotten married?”

From Me to Husband Jun 27 (13 hours ago)

Yes. That thought went through my mind and I said it. Maybe if we hadn't gotten married, I wouldn't have become so callous, I would have listened, I would have shown more appreciation, more care. Silly, but I'm desperate to find the thing to undo this, trying to figure out what changed that made this happen. Maybe it was getting married. But I don't regret getting married to you. It's brought me more joy than sadness, even today.


From Husband to me Jun 27 (13 hours ago)

Per my last. I am becoming aware of how much of my unhealed pain is about abandonment. It may seem weird (it is to me) but I seem to be terrified of being left and things like “Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten married.” Stick in my head. I wasn’t aware of it at the time but it popped up later as a vivid memory.

For some reason I remember my dog Nosy who got run over just before my parents split up.

This is something that activates me. Something I would appreciate you being aware of but it’s not your responsibility. I am thankful that you feel you can ask me questions and point out how hurtful and evil my behavior has been. I don’t want that to stop.

It’s just hard. I feel like last night I unlatched the door on 30 years of unhappiness.


From me to Husband Jun 27 (13 hours ago)

There is so much I want to say. I want to fix everything, make suggestions, explore and explain, make it all better right away.

What I really want to do, though, is get past all that noise - and hear you.

And say nothing else but the most important thing: I love you.


From Husband to me Jun 27 (13 hours ago)

I love you too.

I’d like to make a request that today you don’t ask any more questions. I feel EXTREMELY fragile today.


From me Jun 27 (13 hours ago)

No more questions. Let me know when you're ready. In the meantime I can write stuff down. And we can address things in couples therapy rather than in random conversations. That's probably better anyway for both of us.

Take care. Drive carefully. I'll be waiting for you after your theater meeting.


From me to Husband Jun 27 (13 hours ago), but not sent because I wanted to say it instead of emailing it:

One more thing. I want to make you a promise.

I will not walk away. I will stay with you and work on this problem as long as it takes, as long as you are willing. I will not decide, alone, to leave. We will decide together where this goes and what the outcome is.

Not even a lunch date is simple right now

Husband and I had made a lunch date for today. I was looking forward to it because I've never made time for him in the middle of my workday before and this was going to be the end of that.

While I was driving out to Burbank I was feeling very raw from last night - hearing about all the ways I've let husband down and or not been present for him. I felt like I'd been turned inside out and all the soft, scared parts were on the outside with no skin to protect them. (I'm a little freaked out about how oblivious I think I must be.) Then somehow I got back to thinking about the prostitutes, and realized that I really still didn't know when in our relationship husband first began seeking sexual experiences with other women. So when he got in the car, I asked him about it. From his answers, the timeline of my life is coming together.

Husband and I fell in love and became a commited couple in December of 1988. We lived together from that time until I moved to Los Angeles in 1993, leaving him behind in Seattle. I was going to graduate school, and told him not to come unless he had something specific to come to. He'd applied to grad school, too, and I didn't plan to follow him until I had something concrete to come to. Floating around in Los Angeles with no specific purpose seemed like an awful fate to me. I didn't want him to follow me, because I didn't want to follow someone else. Looking back I can see that I had no right to make that decision for him. I didn't see it as breaking up, only a temporary separation. He felt like I was walking out. When he decided to move down 5 months later I was so happy. He moved to Los Angeles to live with me again in January of 1994.

He told me that the first time he came from a sexual interaction with another woman was in 1995 at our friend's bachelor party at a strip club. I remember him telling me about this sometime over the past few weeks, and how it was unexpected and embarassing. The first time he actively sought out sexual experiences with other women began sometime soon after that I think. He says about seven years ago, but I think it was probably prior to 1999. These were more lap dances at strip clubs. He also told me that throughout our whole relationship he'd been going to a porn shop where people watch strippers and masturbate, but I don't count that as infidelity because there's no physical interaction and it's so close to watching a movie. I'm not thrilled, but I mark the beginning of infidelity at when he actively sought out experiences with other women. So that began with lap dances in strip clubs sometime after 1995. We were married in 1997. Our son was born on September 4, 2001. Then September 11th happened. Husband was first masturbated by another woman at a massage parlor right around the corner from our apartment in approximately February 2002. After that he continued to seek out those experiences, maybe 2-3 times a year. He received his first blow job from another woman in February of 2003. He first had sex with another woman in December of 2003. From 2004 - the present, the frequency of sex with prostitutes (or blow jobs/hand jobs when he couldn't get sex) has steadily incresased to approximately twice a month over the last 6 months to a year. So now I feel that I'm beginning to have a complete picture of my life as it actually was. Because even though all this activity took place without me knowing, it was my life because my life was so intimately entwined with his. And now I know what was really going on while I was having the life I thought I had.

Upon first hearing all of this, my first thought was, "Fuck this fidelity. I'm going out and having sex with someone else." But as I saw husband really present to the impact of what he'd done, it felt like my healing began. To know, to see him present to and deeply saddened by the depth of this betrayal and the cost, gives me a glimmer of hope that I could trust him again eventually. To know he has some idea of how deeply it hurt me and what it has cost me puts us on the same page in a way. And makes me feel like maybe we can start again with a clean slate. With full disclosure and full acknowledgement, with nothing hidden, we can meet again with this history behind us and not entangled in our present lives, and create something new and even stronger than we've had for the past 19 years.

Again my heart skips a beat thinking about how different our two versions of that life are. I'm sad. I failed without knowing I was failing. This is another fear of mine. That I find out that I'm lacking. That not only am I hiding my deficiency from others, but that I'm hiding it from myself.

I wish I could do it over again, and listen and be kind and loving and supportive in all those moments when I was nasty and distracted and critical. All those little moments that meant nothing to how I really felt. But they were opportunities to show love and appreciation, and I didn't take them. Instead I took the petty relief brought by acts of defensiveness and cruelty, and the power gained by disempowering another. This is a hard lesson to learn.

One relationship, two completely different experiences

I have so many things swirling around in my head, and I know I can't get it all captured here because I'm very confused and it's like being in a ticker tape parade and trying to make whole documents out of all the pieces flying around. But I have to try, otherwise I'm going to just sweep it all under the carpet.

Husband and I had a very difficult conversation last night. We were talking about our experiences of our relationship, and it struck me again how different they were. I was deeply happy, fulfilled and joyful in my relationship. Not deluded, in the sense that I had no illusion that everything was perfect, but any complaints I had seemed minor when compared to how wonderful my huband was, how kind, gentle, smart, funny, loving, an incredible partner and father, an outstanding human being. He was also self-righteous at times, nasty, and disdainful, but mostly to other people for most of our relationship. Only over the past 5 years or so have I felt it directed at me. And I often asked him about it, but he told me nothing was different.

He told me that my experience was so wonderful because he "walked on eggshells" around me. From his perspective, I was mostly unhappy, "always frustrated, pissed off and distracted," and highly critical of him.

I have no doubt that I was all of these things, especially where he was concerned. If you asked everyone who knows me, I truly believe that 99.5% of them would say I'm one of the happiest, nicest people they know. People tell me all the time how I brighten their day. The half percent who think I'm nasty, self-righteous, critical, and angry are my mom and my husband. Bizarre, considering they are two of the most vital and important relationships in my life. But I have no doubt that they get this from me.

What I find so hard to comprehend is that husband's experience of me was so much of the bad and little of the good I felt. He had no idea, I think, of the depth of my love, admiration, respect and appreciation of him. When I told him how I was often filled with gratitude and wonder at the life I had, he said he was kind of pissed off because I always seemed so frustrated and unhappy. He said that I was frustrated with him, my son and my mother and took it out on them. That I was frustrated with my job and took it out on them. That I would either be working, or wishing I was working. And I think he felt that nothing was ever up to whatever standard I established. I know he was particularly annoyed when I asked him to do things like pick up his clothes, be more thorough about something, take a shower before coming to bed. But I also thought I was being loving, supportive, tender, and appreciative. We've always been a very physically demonstrative couple - kisses, caresses, hugs every day. We told each other that we loved each other every day. And I thought I expressed my appreciation, admiration and respect. But somehow I was mostly negative and dark and didn't convey much of what I was actually feeling. I really didn't know this. It's very confusing and painful to think that he didn't know all those things I felt, and that I didn't know I wasn't communicating them.

I KNOW I was distracted a lot. I started working for a major media company about 2 weeks after my son was born. Working from home was good because I could be with my son, but I also had trouble putting work away and often worked long hours and often odd with international colleagues. That went on for 3 1/2 years. Then I took 5 months off to do creative things. Husband had encouraged me to do this, so I think it was not a problem for him, although I think it went on a couple months longer than it should have given our financial situation, and my lack of responsibility for that made him resentful. Then I went to work at the place I am now. My first project there was huge and consuming, a trial by fire. Ten to 12 hours a day away from the family was not uncommon for the first 3 months. After that I started to manage it better. Now I keep it at 40 hours. But he still feels like I'd rather be on the computer when I'm home. I've been trying to focus on my family, but obviously I havne't been as successful as I thought. And I've realized over the past 3 weeks, mostly from the reading I've been doing, that the feelings I get when I hear any kind of criticism are feelings of rejection and shame. I haven't heard criticism any other way up til now. I feel ashamed for letting someone down or not meeting their expectations, and rejected because my shortcomings must render me unworthy of whatever relationship I had. This translates into husband not being able to express his upset. And when combined with his way of being, "other people can't handle the truth, can't handle what I have to say, so I won't say what I think or how I feel, I'll handle it myself," that leaves him only able to express his anger and frustration when he hits some breaking point, creates a very threatening situation for me in wich I think I must go into survival mode and defend myself and become the person that my husband experiences.

I was thinking about what our lists would be like if we wrote out all our complaints about each other, and all of the ways in which the other has failed us. I belive my list would be pretty short, and husband's would be surprisingly long. That is a painful thought. It hurts to think he felt so hurt, disregarded and unappreciated by me.

I also think that once he decided I was unhappy, distracted, frustrated and pissed off, he listend for that. Right now I'm frustrated because I feel like, while his complaints are valid and justified, he's not taking any responsibility for who he was in the matter. I'm gripped with shame and sadness at the person I was being, and also angry with him for putting all the responsibity for his experience on me and, I think, using that to continute to feel somehow justified for what he did. He says he knows what he did was not justified by any of this. But the way he expresses himself about all of this makes me feel that he is justified somehow, because of the horrible person I've been. I know I've been thoughtless, careless, self-centered - but I haven't been so absolutely awful. Unless maybe I have, and I just don't realize it. But I look at how other people we know treat each other inside their relationships and I see our relationship so differently. So much more love, respect and care; so much more space and understanding. That's what I thought we had, but maybe I was only getting that and not giving it. I don't know.

There are so many things I want to say to my husband about this. I can't say them now because I really think he can't hear me right now. Last night we quickly escalated into an argument in which we were both frustrated, angry and in pain. We've never argued much (probably both avoiding things, although it didn't feel that way at the time). So I'm going to say some of it here, so that maybe later he can read and begin to see me in a more forgiving light. I know I'm far from perfect. But I want to be forgiven.

So here is my letter to my husband:

My dear,
I am truly, deeply sorry for how I've been. I know I spent years distracted by work. It must have felt like work was more important to me than you were. I'm sorry for that. I know that I get frustrated by work, by the fact that I often feel I want something different for my profesisonal life. I complain about that. I probably complain a lot to you about a lot of things. This feels like talking to me, but I don't think it feels that way to you. I'm sorry for being so self-involved that I didn't notice how my complaints impacted you. I'm sorry for being short tempered, quick to get pissed off about petty things like clothes on the floor or things not done the way I would have done them. And I'm deeply sorry for making you feel threatened in our relationship when I told you early on that I wanted you to know that I didn't need you and could walk away at any time; and later implying that if you ever talked to me a certain way again I'd walk away; and for kicking you out of our bed when you were trying to express your anger and frustration at my lack of personal integrity (for example, not making a phone call that I said I'd make to arrange time with friends, not doing what I said I'd do with my responsibities in our start-up business, not promoting your film the way you thought I should have, not doing a great job producing the film.) On numerous occasions I have failed you and let you down. I'm sorry, and especially sorry since I can say that I never felt you had failed me or let me down. I felt deeply hurt sometimes, when your built up anger spilled out and you said nasty things or spoke in nasty tones. But I know now that a lot of that hurt came from the fact that I was responding to the issues you were brining up as rejection of me, and I responded only to my feelings about that perceived rejection, and not to any of your issues or feelings. I am sorry for not hearing your frustrations, your disappointment and your pain. I know I did that. I know I disregarded those things. And that cause you further pain and frustration. I am so sorry for that. In my heart I believed you got from me what I was getting from you - a profound freedom to be, deep joy, and understanding on a level that I can't put into words. I want those things for you. I'm sad and very sorry that over all these years I have not provided them. Another way in which I let you down.

Please also consider that your experience of me is also a function of how you listen for me. Consider that you decided, based upon who I acknowledge I was being, that I was unreasonable, critical, pissed off, frustrated and distracted; and that everything I then said or did was either proof of that or an exception to that. Please consider that you had your own filters through which you listend for me that may have been a part of creating your experience. I can't believe I was so horrible. I see now that I was horrible enough. But please find it in your heart to accept some responsibilty because I think only then will we achieve the level of authenticity and intimacy that I think is possible. I am clear that I bear responsibility for not hearing you, not considering you, for taking out my frustrations and being petty and nasty. And I know that you chose to betray my trust and have sex with prostitutes because you felt unable to make a different choice, given who I was being and what your experience of life had been. I understand that you did not get to where you got alone. Please consider that the same is true for me. Please dig deep for true understanding, personal responsibility and forgiveness. That's what I'm trying to do. It's hard and painful, confusing, scary; I feel angry and resentful at times. But what I want is for both of us to have a relationship in which we have freedom to be, joy and love so profound it can't be expressed in language. I'm scared, I don't know how to have that happen, and I believe it's possible.

With all my love,
S.


In S-Anon last night we were reading the sixth step. Of course, at the time I couldn't think of any of my own, and I thought I could get husband to identify them for me since he seems pretty clear about them. But last night and today I've come to see them more clearly myself. At least some of them.

Character flaws:
Self-righteous
unable to see my own faults
Mean and nasty when I'm frustrated or pissed off
Maybe demanding and critical, although I don't feel that way
Don't do what I say I'm going to do
Don't give enough priority to my family

Co-addiction in action

I just spent the last two and a half hours working on the spreadsheet I've created cross referencing husband's cell phone records with cash withdrawals from the bank and all the information I've been able to gather regarding what prostitutes he saw when. This would be a fine use of time in my opinion, except that I'm at work.

It's how I'm putting together exactly what really took place over the last 5 years. I think this borders on co-addictive behavior, but I just don't care. I really want to know. Not the details (I have enough of those to last me a long time) but where I was, what he said he was doing vs. what he was really doing, when these things took place. I'm learning a lot, and it's helping me deal with the feeling that I've been living in a false reality all these years.

Husband is doing his own list at my request. It also happens to be part of his SAA program. But I want to make sure he gets everything on there so we can both look at all of it together and agree that, yes, this is what took place. This is something approaching the truth. Then I can get my questions answered, he can get his feelings and issues out for us to discuss, and then we can put it all behind us. I just don't want anything lingering - any thing that I don't know. I want FULL DISCLOSURE. He's willing to do it, but I'm afraid that denial will make "forgetting" easy for him. He's already acknowledged that he didn't realize how out of control it had gotten, and how the frequence had really increased over the past year. Twice a month at $300 - $500 is a noteworthy investment. (And this doesn't include lap dances at strip clubs, magazines, online subscriptions and video on demand fees.)

There's definitely some anger in there.

Completed a writing assignment for my sketch group last night, and reaized I do have some anger inside me somewhere.

The assignment was to write a sketch starting with the two words disquisition and finish.

Disquisition: A formal discourse or treatise in which a subject is examined and discussed.

Finish: To bring (something) to an end or to completion; to use completely; destroy or kill.

So here's what I wrote:

Disquisition/Finish

Jane, Andy and Therapist sit in an office. It’s couples therapy.

Therapist
Have you both brought your letters?

Jane & Andy
Yes.

Therapist
Good. Now I see this as a safe way to communicate, to get your feelings out. It's just a letter...right. It's not a knife, it's not a gun, it won't kill you. It's just words on a page. Right?

Jane
I guess so.

Andy
Sure.

Therapist
Good. Andy, why don't you go first.

Andy
Uh, okay. (clears throat) Dear Jane - I'm sorry I screwed your best friend. (looks up scared, like he’s waiting to get bitch-slapped)

Therapist
Good, Andy. Go on.

Andy
(clears throat again)
Even though we were the two people you trusted most in the world, and we shattered that trust shaking the very foundation upon which the rest of your life is based, I want you to know that I never stopped loving you. I hope you'll be able to forgive me. You are the most wonderful person in the world, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I hope you'll be able to feel that way again too. Love, Andy.

Therapist
Very good Andy. How do you feel?

Andy
Better. I feel better. I feel like I really got to tell Jane I'm sorry, and let her know how much I love her. I'm hopeful about the future, and about the possibility of sharing the rest of our lives together.

Therapist
Good, Andy. Very good. Jane?

Jane
Uh, I think I got the assignment wrong.

Therapist
There is no wrong Jane. It's just your feelings, just words on a page. Feelings are not wrong, they're just what's so for you right now.

Jane
But...

Therapist
Go ahead, Jane. Don't be afraid. It's safe here.

Andy
Yeah, honey. It's okay.

Jane
(still uncomfortable)
Alright. Alright. Uh...Dear Andy. Uh, every night I dream of you. I dream that I disembowel you with my bare hands, cut you up into pieces, roast your testicles over hot coals and feed them to a pack of crazed, naked women dancing around a fire pit screaming chants that dam you to hell for eternity. Then I wake up and you're still alive and I go into the bathroom, throw up, and then have a shot of tequila to numb the pain of knowing you’re still breathing.
(looking doubtfully at the Therapist)
Am I getting this right?

Therapist
That’s beautiful, Jane. Very authentic. I think you should continue to explore those feelings. Andy? Do you have anything to say?

Andy
(he looks crushed)
Uhhhhh.....no?

Therapist
Then I guess we're done for today.

Jane
(lets out a deep breath of relief)
Thank you, Doctor. I do feel much better.
(she applies a fresh coat of lipstick, combs her hair as the scene continues)

Therapist
(gravely and ceremoniously presents a box)
Andy, this box represents the past. You can put your letter
in here, and put the past behind you. You can empower yourself to create
something new with Jane.

Andy puts his letter into the box.

Therapist
Jane, would you like to put your letter into the box?

Jane
(puts the letter into her purse)
I think I’m going to keep mine for right now.

Therapist
That’s fine. You can take that step when you’re ready, Jane.

Andy
That doesn’t seem fair

Therapist
Jane will take that step when she’s ready, Andy. Okay?

Andy
(doesn’t know what else to say)
Okay.

Therapist
See you two next week?

Andy
(looks to Jane, frightened)
I...think...so...right, sweetie?
(laughs uncomfortably)
Just...words on a page.

Therapist
Jane?

Jane
(puts on a pair of sunglasses)
Well. You'll see one of us.

She takes her purse and rises.

Jane (cont'd)

(to Andy)
Now this is what I call a happy ending.
(to Therapist)
Bye Doctor.

Jane leaves. Long pause as they both take in what just happened.

Andy
(he is clueless and perplexed)
Does that mean she doesn’t forgive me yet?

Therapist
What do you think, Andy?

Andy
I don’t know Doctor. I don’t know what to think.

Therapist
See you next week?

Andy
Yeah...(suddenly frightened)...I hope so.
(he goes to leave)

Therapist
Andy, don’t forget to hug yourself this week.

Andy gives himself a big hug.

Therapist
That’s right! Now get out of here you silly rabbit!

Andy
(smiles an eager smile)
Boing, boing, boing.
(hops out like a big bunny)

Therapist
What a fucking nutcase.


I wasn't sure if this was funny at all. Of course it's a huge open window into my life right now. I was worried about exposing a private matter. Fortunately nobody seemed to notice - there was no awkward silence after we read it. Which was good. And I got a laugh out of it.

Persephone

Was feeling sad all day today. Not weeping, just down and a bit empty. Happy that it was Monday. Therapist day.

Made love with husband last night, and for the first time felt disconnected. All the other times have been for some reason or another, with strong feelings associated. But last night felt different. I couldn't get out of my mind the thought of him with other women. It's so odd, because I don't feel like a moralistic person. But I think this doesn't have to do with sexual or cultural morality, but more with the trust that I had in him. It was a childlike trust, I realized today. The kind of trust my son has in me. A fearless trust.

My therapist said that she thinks I'm having my Persephone moment, in which the young goddess loses her youthful innocence.

This is the Persephone story:

It was a beautiful day like all the others in this land, the sun shone brightly in the sky, the hills were lush and green, and flowers blossomed from the earth. The lovely young maiden, Persephone, frolicked with her friends upon the hillside, as her mother Demeter sat near by, and her father Zeus peered down from the sky above. Laughter could be heard in between the young girls' whispered secrets, as they gathered handfuls of purple crocuses, royal blue irises and sweet-smelling hyacinths. Persephone thought to bring some to her mother, but was soon distracted by a vision of the most enchanting flower she had ever seen. It was a narcissus, the exact flower her father hoped that she would find. As she reached down to pluck it from its resting place, her feet began to tremble and the earth was split in two. Life for Persephone would never be the same again. - From The Myth of Persephone: Greek Goddess of the Underworld Original Story and Interpretation by Laura Strong, PhD.

Safety in numbers.

Woke up this morning feeling sad. As I drove along the 101 freeway, I realized that I'm sad because I am aware that we are all alone. We sometimes delude ourselves into thinking we find that connection, and sometimes allow that connection to give us the feeling that we're tied to something in this world. But when it comes down to it, nobody is responsible for my happiness, for my joy of spirit, for my safety in this world except me. But that leaves me fundamentally alone in a way that I'd begun to believe wasn't necessary. I'd always pictured myself as separate from the world. Desireable but untouchable. Compassionate but unattainable. Loving yet removed. And then I forgot. And then I gave myself. And I rested my spirit, my joy, my faith in someone elses care. And that felt good. So good. So special. There was no trust deeper, no love stronger. From this ultimate surrender came the ultimate freedom. And made possible the ultimate betrayal. To crush faith. The faith of the faithless. A mighty act.

So out of all this comes truth. That somehow I can be responsible for my own joy, my own happiness, my own being in the world. And out of that truth comes maybe a more ultimate freedom. But it's not the childlike, joyful freedom I felt before. Instead it's tinged with sadness about the other truth. That we are all alone. Safety in numbers is an illusion. The real safety is in solitude. But the thing is, safety is not the winning game. Risk is the winning game. Which takes me back where I was before. Do I risk believing in something that is fundamentally untrue? Risk believing that I can give all of my heart, my faith, open my self to someone else without coming face to face with the pain of that truth?

My recovery?

Recovery sounds like such a dramatic word for my part of this. In a way. Obviously there's the part where I have to come to terms with the fact that my husband secretly had sex with somewhere between 20-30 prostitutes over the last 5 years. But then there's "recovery" in terms of a twelve step program which has defined me as a co-addict. So I'm looking at that definition and trying to figure out what recovery could mean for me.

Last night while driving home from the airport I was listening to Peter Gabriel again (that song gives me something...hope about recovery, insight...I don't know. But I find it comforting.) And I began to feel sad thinking about the next time he faces that choice. In the moment it felt like a choice between me and someone else. Now I know intellectually this is not the real choice he's making, but no matter how much I understand everything intellectually, I still have all these feelings and self-doubts that have come up as a result of the betrayal and infidelity and the fallout from that.

I was feeling sad because I wasn't sure that when it came down to it he'd value me enough to choose me. And this has nothing to do with him. Based on his words and actions since Friday, June 1st, I should have no doubts. But these doubts come from inside. So maybe that's where to look for the opportunity for my recovery. I'm afraid of rejection. I'm afraid of people being mad, and I'm uncomfortable being with other peoples' upset because I'm afraid rejection will follow. I think. I'm going stream of consciousness here, so this is what's coming up. I'm afraid of being rejected by people I love or need (and is love the same as need?)

Despite what my husband has said, despite everything I've read, I'm still having these doubts about my own self. I don't know if I'm worth fighting addiciton for.

That seems really pathetic.

My intellect is telling me that I need to decide my own worth, and then he'll do what he does, completely separate from that. But if someone doesn't validate my decision, how do I know I'm really worthy?

Yuk. I'm not really this pathetic. I don't walk around seeking validation. But I have this deep worry that when all is said and done, I'm never going to be enough.

I sound like a self help book. So I"m going to stop here. Stop thinking these things for the moment, now that they're recorded and I can come back later and think about them instead of feel them.

I also noted feelings of anxiety over whether or not he'd engaged in secret sex, although I knew this was not the case. But how can I trust what I know, when I also "knew" before? I think this is why the anxiety still comes up.

Things are feeling better

I almost want to say getting back to normal, although that seems absurd. I'm sitting in the Sacramento airport feeling no pain after a long day of client meetings and a double Dewars on the rocks. I was able to be genuinely enthusiastic about these meetings, and was thinking of working on a strategy proposal for another potential client. So that's getting back to normal, right? I'm not completely preoccupied with thoughts and feelings about betrayal and infidelity.

So does it only take 21 days to heal? No. That's stupid. I know there's a lot more for both of us to go through. What I'm realizing is that this time is for me. It's a chance for me to take a look, just as much as it's a chance for husband to do that.

I think I need to look at anger: Husband says that when I'm angry I'm scary because I don't register that I'm angry, but rather that there's something wrong with the world. I also need to look at how I process anger, because my models have mostly been toward passive aggressiveness and self righteousness, both of which I want to keep out of my new relationship with Husband. And who knows? There are probably lots of things left for me to discover.

I'm just happy that the pain is subsiding.