The Beginning of Something Else

On June 1, 2007 I found out my husband and partner of almost two decades had been unfaithful to me since before our marriage, and had been having intercourse with prostitutes for 3 1/2 years. This is what happened next.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

I broke my rule and made a promise

I'd made a rule that I wouldn't make any promises, wouldn't forgive anything, for 3 months. I wanted to be sure I gave myself time to have feelings before moving on to recovery and rebuilding trust. But yesterday I broke that rule. Am I just being codependet, putting someone else above myself, ignoring my own feelings. I just don't know.

From me to Husband June 27 (14 hours ago)
Just want to say I'm sorry that lunch turned out the way it did. Let's try again, and it will be a no difficult discussions lunch, an I love you and want to spend time with you lunch.

I love you and I'm sorry this is painful. Not I'm sorry like it's my fault, but as someone who loves you I'm sad to see you sad. I'm bummed to see me sad, too. A lot of this just sucks, but that's the way it is.

Please reach out to people around you (I will do the same) and please let me know if and how I can support you (and I will do the same.)


From Husband to me Jun 27 (14 hours ago)

Thanks for the kind words.

FYI I have an appointment with my therapist at 10:20 this Sat and will be seeing him regularly at 8:30 am Sat mornings from now on.

Don’t worry about me. I will be fine.

From me to Husband Jun 27 (14 hours ago)

I know you can be fine. My hope is that you will be free, full of joy and gloriously happy. Fine is not enough for you in my mind. I want you to have it all.

From Husband to me Jun 27 (14 hours ago)

Working on it.

One day at a time.

From me to Husband Jun 27 (14 hours ago)

Take your time. I plan on sticking around.

From Husband to me Jun 27 (13 hours ago)

Are you aware that today you said “maybe I should have never gotten married?”

From Me to Husband Jun 27 (13 hours ago)

Yes. That thought went through my mind and I said it. Maybe if we hadn't gotten married, I wouldn't have become so callous, I would have listened, I would have shown more appreciation, more care. Silly, but I'm desperate to find the thing to undo this, trying to figure out what changed that made this happen. Maybe it was getting married. But I don't regret getting married to you. It's brought me more joy than sadness, even today.

From Husband to me Jun 27 (13 hours ago)

Per my last. I am becoming aware of how much of my unhealed pain is about abandonment. It may seem weird (it is to me) but I seem to be terrified of being left and things like “Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten married.” Stick in my head. I wasn’t aware of it at the time but it popped up later as a vivid memory.

For some reason I remember my dog Nosy who got run over just before my parents split up.

This is something that activates me. Something I would appreciate you being aware of but it’s not your responsibility. I am thankful that you feel you can ask me questions and point out how hurtful and evil my behavior has been. I don’t want that to stop.

It’s just hard. I feel like last night I unlatched the door on 30 years of unhappiness.

From me to Husband Jun 27 (13 hours ago)

There is so much I want to say. I want to fix everything, make suggestions, explore and explain, make it all better right away.

What I really want to do, though, is get past all that noise - and hear you.

And say nothing else but the most important thing: I love you.

From Husband to me Jun 27 (13 hours ago)

I love you too.

I’d like to make a request that today you don’t ask any more questions. I feel EXTREMELY fragile today.

From me Jun 27 (13 hours ago)

No more questions. Let me know when you're ready. In the meantime I can write stuff down. And we can address things in couples therapy rather than in random conversations. That's probably better anyway for both of us.

Take care. Drive carefully. I'll be waiting for you after your theater meeting.

From me to Husband Jun 27 (13 hours ago), but not sent because I wanted to say it instead of emailing it:

One more thing. I want to make you a promise.

I will not walk away. I will stay with you and work on this problem as long as it takes, as long as you are willing. I will not decide, alone, to leave. We will decide together where this goes and what the outcome is.

1 comment:

davka said...

It drives me crazy how much you are focused on his pain. He is completely focused on his own pain and really allowing you to baby him and pamper him. Am I wrong?

It seems to me like men really believe women were put on this earth to stroke their egos. I could be wrong...