The Beginning of Something Else

On June 1, 2007 I found out my husband and partner of almost two decades had been unfaithful to me since before our marriage, and had been having intercourse with prostitutes for 3 1/2 years. This is what happened next.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

And now...the bad news.

My husband and I made love again last night. Each time it has been different. The first two were about him giving me comfort, and me getting some power back I think, by having or allowing him to give me pleasure. The 3rd time, the first time we actually made love, was about comforting him, comforting myself, seeking closeness with the person that I feel most connected to in the world. Sunday night was about fear, need for power, need for intimacy, raw emotion. And last night...for me, last night was about being present, feeling him. I love him. In spite of all that's happened, I love him. The parts that I knew, the qualities that made me choose to be with him every day, are still there. Only they share the space with this other. I question whether or not it's the right thing to do, so soon and when there is so much unresolution. But it feels right to be with him, to be close. Yet I still want to keep a part of myself separate, even angry, so that I don't just gloss over what happened and my feelings about it.

My therapist says she's a little concerned that I'm not allowing myself to feel the anger. And I'm worried about that. It may be that I don't know how to even access those feelings. I don't know...

Husband and I were talking this morning, and some issues of his resentment came up. He didn't want to talk about them in the context of talking about what he did. So I tried to reign in my questions. But what came up before I did that successfully was his feeling that I'd let him down in so many ways by not doing what I said I was going to do, and by making plans and not including him. I let him down with the movie we made together by not doing what he thought needed to be done to get it out into the world. I let him down by starting a business with him, and then not doing the things I said I'd do to promote the business. I started a business partnership with another woman and neglected to tell him or discuss it with him; and it had a big impact on our finances. I sometimes made plans for trips to visit friends and family, and for trips to film festivals without consulting him. All of this was in his mind and in his heart when he spent what he did to go out and have sex with prostitutes. All of this disappointment made him feel justified.

The thing that makes me sad and concerned is that we'd talked about these things before, and I didn't know that I was not yet forgiven. I would never do anything that I knew would hurt him. And yet all these instances of not keeping my word, of not including him in my life - these failures hurt him. I still see a difference, because I failed him because of my personal flaws, but I didn't actively deceive him. And I didn't hang on to resentment. I honored him and our relationship by not indulging in that. But still, there is my responsibility for my personal failures. For not keeping my word. For not including him in my life. And that's the bad news. The news that, while his actions are inexcuseable, I have failed him too.

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