The Beginning of Something Else

On June 1, 2007 I found out my husband and partner of almost two decades had been unfaithful to me since before our marriage, and had been having intercourse with prostitutes for 3 1/2 years. This is what happened next.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

What's the point?

The meeting last night was exactly what I've been needing. It was at a church, as many 12 step meetings are (which makes me deeply appreciate that aspect of the Christian tradition.) I got there early, not exactly sure where to go. The room I thought I was supposed to be in was locked and nobody was around except tons of men who seemed to be heading upstairs. I began to worry that I was in the wrong place. But how do you ask around, "Are you her for the co-sex addicts group?" I felt shy, and just waited.

Just before 7:30 women started to show up. First one, then a few more. This began to reassure me that I was in the right place.

Eventually I ended up in a room with about 15-20 women and one guy. I had attended the Alanon meeting, so I had some idea of what to expect. But being in a room full of people who knew EXACTLY what I was talking about, a room full of strangers who would not judge me or my situation, was a relief. I began to relax.

A twelve-step meeting is somewhat formulated, because there are no real leaders. So things have to be set up in such a way that anyone can easily lead the meetings. This duty rotates it seems. After hearing the regular introductory material, the leader picked a topic and the sharing began.

It was soothing to be in the company of these people, hearing about their pain, their obstacles, their thoughts, and how they were dealing with what was in front of them and in many cases moving forward. At the end, the time specifically set aside for Newcomers to share, I told a bit about why I was there. As I spoke, lots of heads nodded, not in sympathy, but in understanding and recognition. After the meeting, several women came up to speak with me about their similar situations. It was good. This is the group for me.

I bought some "literature." The S-Anon Twelve Steps and "Recovering Together: Issues Faced by Couples." (Both are sanctioned S-Anon literature, probably only available through the organization.)

I woke up this morning feeling blah, and realized that I'm having a kind of "what's the point?" feeling. I think it was because we were discussing my concern, and his, that his Master of the Universe addict would feel like he got away with something again because I didn't kick him out, divorce him, disgrace his in the eyes of his family and friends, take the house and the kid and leave him with nothing over this. I probably could do all of the above, but I just don't feel like that's what would make ME happy. Isn't that strange. What would make me happy is part of what would make him happy. Is this co-dependentcy or just a happy overlap of two people's interests? This is one of those questions that makes me happy I'm in therapy.

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