Things bubble up.

I had a lot of emotion come out tonight and I want to capture what came out of my mouth.

I feel so disrespected. I never thought that I would face these kinds of choices. I can understand a one night stand, but 20 or 30 women? Maybe I'm a doormat. I'm trying to understand but I just can't. I'm afraid. I'm afraid I can't give you what you need. How could you choose to do this over and over again. I'm afraid you'll be angry with me. I'm afraid you'll resent me. I want to believe but I'm so afraid. I don't understand. I'm afraid of what my test results might be. I'm scared.

I went to look at the bed in Redondo beach. It was at the apartment of a young couple who had an 11 1/2 month old baby. Their apartment and the way their life looked reminded me so much of how husband and I were in our Santa Monica apartment when we had our son. When the man was helping me put the bed in my car I heard myself thinking I should tell him not to cheat on his wife. On the way home I wept, very unexpectedly. Only after I got home did I realize how much they reminded me of my past life.

It was a bad night after I got home. Thank god for treadmills. Now I'm sweaty, but I feel calmer and not so anguished.