I'm trying to take actions consistent with the outcome I want to produce, while still allowing myself to have all the feelings I have. So tonight I'm going down to Redondo beach to look at a beautiful bedframe to give husband for father's day. Our bed has always made too much noise during sex, and has often been an obstacle to me being completely present. Not always, and less as I got older, but with my mother always in a nearby room we could never count on complete adult privacy. So this bed represents my commitment to that future. A solid oak bed that will last a lifetime that will give us the ability to always be fully present when we make love. That's the action consistent with my desired outcome. Despite the feelings.
Am I a doormat for not rejecting him outright? Am I crazy? Only time will tell, right? Right now I just have to do what feels right to me in the moment and keep my guard up.
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