I just spent the last two and a half hours working on the spreadsheet I've created cross referencing husband's cell phone records with cash withdrawals from the bank and all the information I've been able to gather regarding what prostitutes he saw when. This would be a fine use of time in my opinion, except that I'm at work.
It's how I'm putting together exactly what really took place over the last 5 years. I think this borders on co-addictive behavior, but I just don't care. I really want to know. Not the details (I have enough of those to last me a long time) but where I was, what he said he was doing vs. what he was really doing, when these things took place. I'm learning a lot, and it's helping me deal with the feeling that I've been living in a false reality all these years.
Husband is doing his own list at my request. It also happens to be part of his SAA program. But I want to make sure he gets everything on there so we can both look at all of it together and agree that, yes, this is what took place. This is something approaching the truth. Then I can get my questions answered, he can get his feelings and issues out for us to discuss, and then we can put it all behind us. I just don't want anything lingering - any thing that I don't know. I want FULL DISCLOSURE. He's willing to do it, but I'm afraid that denial will make "forgetting" easy for him. He's already acknowledged that he didn't realize how out of control it had gotten, and how the frequence had really increased over the past year. Twice a month at $300 - $500 is a noteworthy investment. (And this doesn't include lap dances at strip clubs, magazines, online subscriptions and video on demand fees.)
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Hi. I am coping with being in a nine year relationship, only to find out that he is a sex addict. He's been in group for a few months, but I'm lost. I found your blog and I can relate to you so much. I feel absolutely lost right now. I want full disclosure so badly, but he refuses to give it to me. I don't know what to do. If you have any advice, please let me know. understandingyesterday@gmail.com
Hi, UnderstandingYesterday. I'm so very sorry to hear about what sounds like a very painful time in your life.
The things that made a difference for me were getting into couples therapy with a sex addiction specialist and learning to set boundaries and consequences; going to individual therapy to process the things I've been going through; getting into a 12 step group for partners of sex addicts (http://www.sanon.org); reading about sex addiction; reading spiritual material (for me Buddhism has been very helpful, but spirituality is very personal, and different things are helpful to different people); talking with others who are going through or who have gone through similar experiences - at meetings, and online in places like The Junkie's Wives Club partners of sex addicts group (http://jwclub.ning.com/); and exercising regularly to help get rid of tension and negative feelings. Those things helped me a lot.
I'm very luck in that Husband has been willing to work hard every day since I found out, and has been willing to do what I've needed him to do in order for me to feel safe. If my husband had refused disclosure, I don't think we'd be together today. For me, in order to stay a couple, we both had to be actively in recovery.
You will find your way. It takes time. But I know it can be done because I see it happening every day in the support communities I'm part of.
I wish you peace.
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