Today has started out as a good day

I did a good solid hour on the treadmill last night, so maybe I've been bathing in those good chemicals all night.

This morning as I was getting ready, I climbed back into bed and put my arms around my husband. It felt so good to be close. I closed my eyes and imagined us before Friday. I was having time wiht the part of him that I knew and loved. He turned and put his arms around me and we held each other silently for several minutes. He gave me some small kisses, which I could not bring myself to return. Because right there with the man who was the vantage point from where I had a 360 degree view of all the beauty and good things in the universe was the man who had lied right into my eyes for the last half of our marriage. In the books I'm reading women talk about their deep anger at being deceived for months - and I'm the fool who's taken the bait for 5 years. I feel both a strong pull toward him and a simeltanous and equally strong need to withhold myself.

And today I'm feeling pissed about the fact that most of the prostitutes, or "sweet young girls" to quote one of his reviews, that he's been having sex with were not yet born or younger than our 5 year old son when he and I became a couple. While we were busy doing theater and improv and growing our beautiful, safe, fun, boundless relationship, they were going through preschool, gradeschool, middle school, probably high school and maybe college. Our relationship is almost as long as most of their entire lives. What a thing to throw away, or at the least have so little regard for.