Last night is the first night I remember dreaming about this. Now that I’m fully awake, I don’t remember exactly what the dreams were. I think maybe I was dreaming about looking for these girls, or waiting for husband to show me the facts. Last night before bed I was looking at some of the actual dates and times, trying to see exactly where I was when this was happening. He says most of it happened when I was away. But the last time I can identify happened on a Monday while I was work. I wonder how much happened that he won’t tell me about. And were most of the correspondence about all of this is, since I know so much more took place than I found evidence for in the email accounts I looked at.
I have to ask about that.
I have a bit of a pit this morning, probably because of dreaming. And the sadness about everything that must have gone on without me knowing.
And as I was falling asleep last night I began to be afraid of the STD test coming Monday. I really doubt I have anything. But I’m afraid to know for sure. What if there is something? What then? Life would change again. My heart beats faster with that fear, so I’m just not going to think about it. Husband would say why worry about something that hasn’t happened, which I generally take as good advice.. But I’m scared.
This moment I have to admit I’m going to check some bank records. He said nothing in May, but somehow I doubt it. The pattern this year has been once a month, and I found out on June 1. The last email was regarding April 23, so there must be a May incident.
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