The Beginning of Something Else

On June 1, 2007 I found out my husband and partner of almost two decades had been unfaithful to me since before our marriage, and had been having intercourse with prostitutes for 3 1/2 years. This is what happened next.

Friday, June 22, 2007

My recovery?

Recovery sounds like such a dramatic word for my part of this. In a way. Obviously there's the part where I have to come to terms with the fact that my husband secretly had sex with somewhere between 20-30 prostitutes over the last 5 years. But then there's "recovery" in terms of a twelve step program which has defined me as a co-addict. So I'm looking at that definition and trying to figure out what recovery could mean for me.

Last night while driving home from the airport I was listening to Peter Gabriel again (that song gives me something...hope about recovery, insight...I don't know. But I find it comforting.) And I began to feel sad thinking about the next time he faces that choice. In the moment it felt like a choice between me and someone else. Now I know intellectually this is not the real choice he's making, but no matter how much I understand everything intellectually, I still have all these feelings and self-doubts that have come up as a result of the betrayal and infidelity and the fallout from that.

I was feeling sad because I wasn't sure that when it came down to it he'd value me enough to choose me. And this has nothing to do with him. Based on his words and actions since Friday, June 1st, I should have no doubts. But these doubts come from inside. So maybe that's where to look for the opportunity for my recovery. I'm afraid of rejection. I'm afraid of people being mad, and I'm uncomfortable being with other peoples' upset because I'm afraid rejection will follow. I think. I'm going stream of consciousness here, so this is what's coming up. I'm afraid of being rejected by people I love or need (and is love the same as need?)

Despite what my husband has said, despite everything I've read, I'm still having these doubts about my own self. I don't know if I'm worth fighting addiciton for.

That seems really pathetic.

My intellect is telling me that I need to decide my own worth, and then he'll do what he does, completely separate from that. But if someone doesn't validate my decision, how do I know I'm really worthy?

Yuk. I'm not really this pathetic. I don't walk around seeking validation. But I have this deep worry that when all is said and done, I'm never going to be enough.

I sound like a self help book. So I"m going to stop here. Stop thinking these things for the moment, now that they're recorded and I can come back later and think about them instead of feel them.

I also noted feelings of anxiety over whether or not he'd engaged in secret sex, although I knew this was not the case. But how can I trust what I know, when I also "knew" before? I think this is why the anxiety still comes up.

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